Before I post today’s F-Bomb, there’s something I need to get off of my chest…

Why is it that when I put my headphones on, everybody wants to talk to me? Before I started using my PSP as a portable MP3 player, people would usually leave me alone and I’d go about my business. I don’t consider myself anti-social and if you try to start a conversation (this is assuming I don’t have headphones equipped), I’ll be more than happy to talk to you as long as you’re not a bigot/racist or trying to push your beliefs on me. But for the most part, I’m usually left alone.

Then all of a sudden, the instant I put on a pair of headphones and try to tune the rest of the world out, everybody and their goddamned Grandmother wants to bug me. It may just be me, but if I see someone with an iPod listening to music, it seems a pretty clear indication that that person wishes to be left alone. Apparently, not everyone agrees. Because when I put on a pair of headphones, everyone seems to take this as an opportunity to beg for change/ask directions/talk to me about shit that I don’t give a fuck about.

Normally, this wouldn’t bother me except that I always seem to attract the attention of some of the most bizarre mother fuckers in the city. Nothing is more annoying than jamming to some Nightwish only to be interrupted by some dip-shit who thinks that my PSP is going to give me cancer. He then proceeds to try and convince me that there was no moon landing, there is no terrorist threat and that I should really consider voting for Ron Paul.

So please. If you see somebody out there with a pair headphones, chances are they don’t want to be bugged so just leave them alone. Nobody cares about your fucking petition to ban skateboarding in your neighborhood and we care even less about your half-baked conspiracy theories.

And now for some game-related tidbits…

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RUMOR CONTROL

Ok, so this one really isn’t a rumor anymore since it was confirmed, but it’s still interesting. The Wii is finally getting some Castlevania action but not in quite the way we had hoped. Castlevania Judgment is going to be a 3D fighter and will use characters and elements from most of the games in the series. Yes, you read that correctly. So basically, we’re getting a Smash Bros. clone where you play as Simon Belmont and Alucard. Oh, and the game will continue the proud tradition of using Hearts as currency for your sub-weapons (crosses, holy water, daggers, etc.). No screens or gameplay impressions yet, so I’m approaching this one with “casual optimism.”

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MEGA MAN 9! W00T! The best part: Its being designed in classic 8-bit NES retro flavor for release on WiiWare. YUMMEH!

No, I’m not jumping the shark. This is fo’ real, yo.

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Sony has announced that God of War III will indeed be present at this year’s E3 this coming July. Hopefully we’ll get to see Kratos’ next outing by 2009. For me, this is the game that justifies owning a PS3. Until this game comes out, I have no interest in buying one.

That is until I heard the rumor on Joystiq and Kotaku that the PS3 version of Soul Calibur IV might be getting yet another exclusive character: Everybody’s favorite Angry Spartan, Kratos.

Normally, I’d be skeptical about this considering that each of the two versions of the game already has an exclusive character. But then I remembered a statement from the development team that Senor Vader and lil Green Jedi might become available as DLC for either console. In short, they’re temporarily exclusive. By that logic, it would make sense for Sony and Microsoft to negotiate a deal opting for a TRULY exclusive character for each system to motivate console sales. Supporting this theory is a scan I saw of Famitsu magazine that showed Ryu Hayabusa of Ninja Gaiden fame (currently an Xbox exclusive franchise) facing off against what looked like Cervantes. However, I have no way of knowing if it’s pure photoshop magic or a legitimate screenshot. I haven’t seen anything confirming Kratos’ appearance though, so I’m going with the former for now.

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There is a thin layer of dust on the consoles that I have hooked up right now. Between my two jobs, regularly updating this blog and my addiction liking to Team Fortress 2 I haven’t really done much gaming outside of that. One of the reasons I haven’t posted a review for No More Heroes is because I haven’t even finished it. It’s not that I don’t like it, I just don’t have the time for it. The only gaming I get in is when I’m on the bus or at my evening job (I get paid for pushing a button at the right time).

Oh, and did I mention that I’m on my third play through of Chains of Olympus and my 106th of Symphony Of The Night? Did I also mention that, as awesome as these games are, I’m getting kinda tired of them (yet another excuse to hack my PSP <and no, not for pirating games I don’t own>)?

So y’know what? I’m taking a break from this crap. I’ve got a break from my part time job so I’m dedicate some time to finishing up some of my games. I’ll have more to write about in the long run. That also means I’m going to be taking a break from this blog for about week. But I’ll be posting again on Monday after next and I’ll have a pretty lengthy story for you (no exercises, no Bite-Sized Story, I’m talking an actual fucking story).

And now for something completely different!

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With the mid-season finale weeks behind us and no BSG in sight until 2009, fans aren’t left with much to do between now and then except speculate what the frak is going on. What’s up with Starbuck’s mysterious return from the grave in her new TEH SEX Viper? Who is the fifth and final Cylon? Will Bill and Laura finally do the Mattress Mambo before she dies of cancer?

And, finally, where the frak do they go from here now that we know Earth is TEH SUCK?

It’s kinda sad that this is the final season of the show but at least we won’t get to see it dragged out and beaten to death like most sci-fi series. There are eleven episodes left in the season and rumor has it that the send off is going to be huge. The last episode is supposedly going to be three hours long and we might also get another TV movie like Razor.

Currently in the process of watching the show again from the beginning, I’ve decided to make a list of my favorite moments for my own amusement (if for no one elses). Since I’m limited to ten on Teh Tuesday, I’ve had to leave out some of those kick ass moments, like Kat’s sacrifice and Saul Tigh’s transition from drunken crazy war veteran to drunken crazy hobo pirate.

Also, check out Wiki Frakr, where you can learn all about the Great Toasting of the Colonies and Margaret “Racetrack” Edmonson’s b00bz.

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Top Ten Most Awesome Moments in Battlestar Galactica

10. Adama’s Porno Mustache

One of the deadliest weapons in the Colonial fleet second only to the Adama Glare.

During the one year scene transition between the settlement of New Caprica and the arrival of the Cylons, Adama grew himself a 70’s pornstar mustache to represent a more relaxed and laid back Admiral who enjoyed the occasional doobie. It could also have doubled as a way to intimidate his enemies but, unfortunately, it was never tested as the Admiral shaved it immediately following the Second Exodus. In theory, the combined forces of the mustache and the Adama Glare would have been enough to destroy an entire Basestar.

9. The Blackbird

Shortly after things get back to “normal” in the colonial fleet, the people on board Galactica begin to realize that life in space fraking sucks. There is no relief from their day to day lives hoping the Cylons don’t show up and everybody is just grumpy and pissed in general. Especially Chief Tyrol, after witnessing the love of his life (also a Cylon traitor) get shot by the whiny bitch that would eventually become his wife. After threatening to club Helo with a wrench and almost biting Lee’s face off, Chief one night decides that he needs a hobby.

When the deck gang arrives for duty the next morning, Chief is already hard at work on building a new fighter and tells the deck that it’s strictly an off duty project. The deck gang isn’t all that crazy about it, especially Jammer, but he’s a pussy anyway. Chief tells them to frak off and works on the fighter himself. As the episode progresses, however, he eventually ends up getting the help of the entire deck gang, a few pilots and damn near half of the CIC. The result was an uber-awesome stealth fighter that Lee ended up destroying a few episodes later. Thanks, asshole.

8. New Caprican Loco-Weed

Before labor disputes, bad management, shitty weather and their new asshole roommates moving in (cylons), things were actually pretty good on New Caprica. There were parties, dances, drinking games and people making out in the fields. Eventually someone got the bright idea to start burning some plants and discovered that the smoke had some interesting side effects and symptoms include cotton mouth, Guitar Hero, poetry and the munchies. This person was most likely Laura Roslin as her and Adama are seen drinking and smoking a big fat doobie in a flashback to the good times on New Caprica.

The scene contains my favorite line by Admiral Adama: “You say this stuff grows around here?”

7. Admiral Cain gets a bullet to the face

From Wiki Frakr:

Helena Cain (known to most as “psycho bitch”). She is the ill-tempered, hypocritical, toaster-banging admiral of the Beast. She is a fan of mid-afternoon snacks, harassing new officers, and doing her best to be on the receiving end of the Adama Glare. She did well at frakking up everything and everyone, at least until she got the receiving end of Gina’s buckshot.

Yeah, she’s not a nice lady. The torturing of her Cylon girlfriend, Gina came back to bite her in the ass though. After the destruction of the Resurrection Ship, Cain retires to her quarters only to have her beaten and raped ex-lover shoot her right in between the eyes. Ding-dong, the Witch is dead! Which old witch? The Wicked Witch!

6. Boomer Busts a Cap

“Oh teh noes! I R NOT A CYLONZ!”

Sharon Valerii isn’t exactly the strongest of characters so it was pretty obvious that she would freak the frak out at discovering that she is a Cylon sleeper agent. During her mission debriefing in the CIC, Sharon’s subroutine is activated (KILLSHIT.EXE) and she shoots Adama twice in the chest. What’s awesome about this? Adama lives… and he’s pissed.

5. Jammer has a date with a launch tube

Jammer is a worthless pussy of a knuckle-dragger who thought that collaborating with the enemy would have benefited his fellow citizens. He joined the New Caprican Police thinking he would be keeping the Cylons out of the street (and getting all the free pie he could eat), only to end up being an extension of their forces.

After the Second Exodus, he was considered a traitor and was flushed out the launch tubes into the cold vacuum of space where he is now a Freezy-Pop.

He never got that pie, either.

4. Admiral Cain pisses off Adama

Ooo, bad call lady. You pissed off Commander William “I’ll crush your nuts” Adama. In a really messed up turn of events, Sharon gets a visit from Lt. Thorne who’s method of interogating Cylon prisoners involves dropping his pants. Chief and Helo intervene and accidentally kill Thorne.

Cain sentences them to immediate execution and Adama is not pleased. Too far out of reach to initiate the Adama Glare, he launches Galactica’s Vipers as well as one Raptor. The result is a stand off between Pegasus and Galactica and the mid-season 2 cliffhanger (that happens a lot on this show).

3. Battle on the Asteroid

From Wiki Frakr:

Hard Six has several meanings!

• “Sometimes you have to roll a hard six” … this is something William Adama says when the chips are down, times are hard, and the only option is to first glare and then do something desperate, ruthless, or possibly futile. You don’t get to be an Admiral without making the tough decisions (right Cain?) ^[1].

• “Hard Six” may possibly refer to a Number Six in her overseer role - hot black leather, chains, whips and dips … that Baltar scumbag is a lucky man.

• “Rub a hard six” appears to be the Wiki Frakr term for “Random Article” … it’s also what I like to do in the privacy of my bedroom after a long hard day. It helps me sleep, and despite popular belief^[1], does not make you blind.^[1]

The term first appeared in the episode “The Hand Of God” in which the fleet discovers an asteroid ripe with Tilium fuel… and the Cylons are crawling all over it. Adama decides that this the perfect oppurtunity to hit the Cylons right where it hurts and, with the help of Starbuck, plans an op kick their ass in one end and out the other.

Unfortunately, Starbuck’s leg is still injured from her run in with a Cylon Raider so the fate of the fleet is now in the hands of the other ace pilot: Lee Adama. Lee pulls off the mission successfully and good times are had by all as he rubs his victory in Starbuck’s face.

2. Fall of the Battlestar Pegasus

Just as I was starting to like Lee as a character, during the one year after New Caprica’s settlement and becoming Pegasus Commander, Lee also becomes complacent and fat. Four months after they leave New Caprica, Adama and his pornostache are trying to shape up his pilots so they can perform a rescue mission for the people they left behind on Cylon Occupied New Caprica. However, all Lee can do is bitch about how hard it is and Adama gets fed up with his son’s shit.

Adama goes back to New Caprica with the crew of Galactica while Lee stays behind to guard the rest of the fleet in case they don’t make it back. Lee has trouble accepting this. During the mission on New Caprica, Pegasus decides to join the fight while leaving his fighters behind to safeguard the fleet. Pegasus arrives to find the Galactica getting the crap beat out of her and Lee ends up saving the day.

Unfortunately, in his efforts to save Galactica, he sacrificed Pegasus. Meaning that Lee once again destroys a ship of great importance. It wasn’t enough that he crashed the Blackbird, he also had to destory the bigger, better Battlestar that had the mini-Viper factory. Way to go, douche bag.

1. The Epic Adama Maneuver

The most kick ass battle in a Sci-Fi setting since the Wrath of Kahn.

After four months of brutality from the Cylons, the Battlestar Galactica finally arrives to rescue the poor stoned people of New Caprica. Not only does Galactica’s imminent arrivial spark a full-blown uprising from the resistance, it also results in one of the coolest and ballsiest moves I’ve seen.

Galactica jumps right into New Caprica’s gravitational pull and, while falling like a rock towards the surface, launches very Viper aboard the ship and then jumps away less than a mile above the surface with a sound barrier breaking clap.

Fraking. Awesome.

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*Sung to Survivor’s Eye Of The Tiger*

It’s the Night of the Pyro and he sets shit on fire!

He’s out roastin’ the flesh of our rivals!

And the last known survivor is about to expire! *cuz, y’know, he’s on fire*

And he’s toasting them all on the Night of the Pyro!

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Yes, I was one of many who participated in the Million Pyro March with Thursday’s update and it was quite fun. I had work the next day though, so I only had time for a few rounds of Dustbowl and Goldrush. I haven’t unlocked any of the new gear yet, but I did get to see the Backburner and and Axtingquisher in action. I have yet to see the flare gun I’m only a few achievements away from earning it myself.

The server I played on was pretty friendly. Of course, all the slots for Pyro were taken when I joined so I just played Demoman until one of the slots freed up (which didn’t take long). Eventually, I got my turn as Pyro and joined the other three Pyro players in having a Blue Team Barbecue. I may not have gotten any of the new shit but at least the requirements for unlocking them isn’t as bad as the Medic achievements.

In the end, I’m glad I chose to play on a normal server as opposed to a custom farming map (unlike this dumbass).

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I must say, I’ve been loving the hell out of my PSP. I just recently bought a USB cable for it and put a good sized chunk of my music collection on the 1GB memory stick, as well as various wallpapers, themes and a few short movies I managed to convert to MP4 format. The fact that it doubles as a portable music/video player gave me an excuse to not hack my original model DS (which I refer to as The Phat) and it’s gotten to where I know take it with me wherever I go.

However, in my quest to customize the hell out of it, I encountered a brick wall.

I downloaded a bunch of non-official software to further push the PSP to its lmit only to discover that none of it worked and it kept giving me a corrupt file error. Turns out the PSP firmware doesn’t allow the use of non-proprietary software. So no emulators and no flash player for the web browser.

After a little more research, I discovered that the only way to get the software running is to - yup, you guessed it - hack it.

I’m not going to buy myself an “I void warranties” t-shirt just yet. Very very few have experienced problems doing such a thing but I’d rather not take the risk of turning my expensive electronic hand-held into a worthless brick. Still, the idea of playing many games from old generation consoles on the go is very tempting.

Fortunately, if I do decide to go that route, it doesn’t require me to do anything to the hardware. From what I’ve read, the process involves downgrading the current firmware to an older version and then upgrading to a custom firmware. If there is a way to back up the current firmware so I can return it to its original state, I’ll have to look into it (in case I fuck up). But if not, I’ll probably just settle for what I have.

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The first ever screens for Soul Calibur IV’s Create a Character mode were released on Kotaku a few days ago. So far, it looks like a pretty good improvement over the CAC introduced in the last installment. Custom characters that were in the screens ranged from Afro-Ninjas to Cowgirl Samurai. I’m a sucker for customization in games (whether it be character profiles, simple-but-fun level editors or just custom decals) so I was already stoked about this game way back when it was announced. If the next announcement includes the words “create your own Jedi,” my head may explode.

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Earth sucks.

The crew of the Galactica and the remains of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol found this out the hard way.

After three years on the run from killer robots and facing crisis after crisis along the way, they’ve finally reached their destination: a new world they can call home…

Only to discover that it’s a nuclear wasteland.

Bummer.

Because the show’s creators were so vague as to when in Earth’s time-line this all takes place, there is a debate as to whether this is our future or our past. Some think that the Cylons beat them there and others think that this may not even be Earth at all (pffft! yeah, you keep telling yourself that). But those with a keen eye know better.

In the final scene where the crew of Galactica has landed, the camera pans across the distant horizon. It becomes obvious that where they’re standing is a beach and in the distance are the ruins of what look like skyscrapers. The camera pans further to the right and before the camera cuts out we see what looks the remains of a bridge. Phil and I did a side by side comparison of the final shot and certain photos taken of the Brooklyn bridge.

Yup, they’re staring at a former New York City in the middle of a Nuclear Winter. We, the descendants of the 13th tribe of Kobol, nuke the shit out of each other in World War III.

YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

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When it comes to Team Fortress 2, I’ll admit that one of my favorite classes, the Pyro, isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. He’s a bit underpowered but the trick to using him is to ambush your enemies and go in for the occasional kamikaze run.

Tomorrow (Thursday), Valve is releasing an achievement pack for the Pyro in the latest update for the game and you can unlock additional gear for him in the game. The new gear includes a Flare Gun which is best for long distance attacks and acts as a replacement for the shotgun. That’s pretty awesome but the update that caught my attention was the Pyro’s ability to fire a blast of compressed air from his Flame Thrower to deflect enemy projectiles such as grenades, rockets and sticky bombs. Sweet.

The only downside to this is that, when the update is released tomorrow, everybody and their grandmother is going to play as Pyro. Of course, I’ll be one of them but I can sympathize with the complaint. When the Medic pack was released, it resulted in what many have come to refer to as The Night of a Million Medics.

The same is expected to happen with the Pyro pack and, because the Pyro is one of my favorite classes, I have written a story in his honor. I’ve also included the follow up to the Hayato VS Arashi story as a bonus.

Enjoy!

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67 — 71.

The two warriors were well matched. Hayato and Arashi stood facing eachother, blades at the ready. Blood dripped onto the stone street from the cut on Hayato’s arm. He barely noticed it. Arashi had lost one of her swords in the battle and was now less confident than before. Still, she was determined to end this once and for all.
“Get out of my way, Demon Hunter” she said. “Unless you want to end up like Reiko.” Hayato ignored her pathetic attempt at trying to provoke him.
“You think that’s why I’m here?” he asked. “I know what you’re after. I have seen what has become of those who seek the soul sword.”
“I don’t give a damn about the others” she shouted. “Soul Edge is mine!”
With that, she lunged at her opponent. Their blades clashed and sparks flew with each strike. All around them, the cherry blossoms fell to the ground in the light of the moon as the duel continued. Suddenly, Hayato sensed a surge of Dark Energy coming from her blade.
The sword is possessed, he realized. The energy from her blade caused his sword to shatter and Hayato found himself defensless. Arashi smiled devilishly. She wanted to savor this victory.
“Farewell, Demon Hunter,” she said. But before she could deliver the final blow, there was a sudden flash of light and she became surrounded by smoke. When the haze cleared and her vision returned, she was shocked to find Hayato rushing at her with lightning speed, wielding her twin sword.

72 — 76.

You’re no good, they said. You’re extremely underpowered, they said. He had been hearing this since the beginning. But soon, all doubt would melt to ruin. There was a flame burning within his soul; a flame of hope that, one day, he would incinerate the competition. Like a Phoenix, he would rise from the ashes and all would be cleansed in the flames of chaos. Things were about to get pretty hot in here… and it wouldn’t be just him. There was a lot of talk among his team about his usefulness (or rather, the lack there of) but he didn’t care. For all he heard in his mind was the screaming of burn victims in the field of battle. Fire is a wonderful thing, the thought. Left unchecked, a fire can consume an entire forest within a matter of hours. Fire is also used to barbecue many delicious meats. In the hands of an arsonist, fire can lay waste to an entire monument. Lake Eerie once caught on fire from all of the crap floating around in it. He wishes he could have seen such a beautiful site. But now was no time for daydreaming. “Mission begins in thirty seconds!” The voice echoed throughout the base. He checked the fuel gauge on his Flame Thrower. The indicator read a full tank and he was pleased. He could see the enemy through the wired gate. They were scared… and they should be. For tonight is The Night Of The Pyro!

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Super Smash Bros. was originally released for the N64. I gave it a try as a rental when my mom and her husband first started dating and I was instantly hooked. One of the things that intrigued me about the game was its simplicity.

The game didn’t require a series of complex button combinations to pull off a special move; No holding down three buttons and twirling the control stick in a clockwise 360 while patting your head and rubbing your tummy. There were only two buttons to worry about when it came to attacking. A and B. A controls your standard attacks and B controls your special moves. The different moves you could pull off depended on which direction you held the analog stick while pressing one of the buttons and it was easy to get into. The only other two buttons you needed to worry about were the L and R triggers (for blocking and dodging) and the Z button (for grabbing).

Another element that separated Smash Bros. from other fighting games was the lack of a health bar. The goal of the game was not to reduce your opponent’s health, but to build up their damage so you could knock them out of the arena. The health bar was replaced by a damage indicator. The more damage your received, the farther your enemy’s attacks would send you. Once you were around 100% damage, you could be sent flying off the screen to your doom.

The game has received two sequels since, the latest being Brawl for the Nintendo Wii. The game was announced back in 2006 and was finally released in spring of 2008 to the anticipation of many Nintendo fanboys (including myself). Tonight, I present to you a list of my top ten favorite characters in the latest installment.

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10. Marth

SERIES: Fire Emblem

I had no idea what the hell Fire Emblem was until Marth was included in Melee, but that’s partly because the series was a Japan exclusive until about five years ago (after Marth’s popularity in Melee, of course). I’ve done some amazing things with Marth, but he’s number ten on the list because I really don’t play him as much as I should. He’s pretty quick and the tip of his sword does the most damage in an attack. Thought part of the reason I don’t play him often is because I haven’t quite nailed the art of the “sweet spot.” (that sounds so wrong)

Marth is limited to his sword in combat and doesn’t have any kind of projectile so he’s a close quarters fighter. His speed gives him an advantage in that aspect allowing you to chase your opponents down and get up in their face. On the receiving end, the tip of that sword hurts and anybody who knows how to play as him can potentially ruin your day. My favorite costume (palette swap) is the red and black. Makes him all evil looking.

9. Falco

SERIES: Star Fox

Fox McCloud’s wingman returns in Brawl and is twice as bad-ass. Falco is basically Fox for those who hate playing as Fox (like me). His laser pistol actually stuns enemies and he just seems a lot easier to use. A lot of his moves have been altered to help make him a little more unique and less like a clone of his partner character.

Falco was always my favorite character in the Star Fox games. Unlike the total boyscout that is Fox, he’s always had this Ace Pilot “I am so cooler than you” attitude and this crosses over into Brawl. Falco is a good way to counter a Fox veteran, like my brother. He knows that if he picks Fox, I’m gonna pick Falco. *Mwahaha!*

8. Ike

SERIES: Fire Emblem

Ike is from the Gamecube and Wii games that made it to the US. He’s a lot slower than Marth, but what he lacks in speed he makes up for in power. That big-ass sword of his will send you flying even before your damage reaches 100%.

Ike has a reputation among Brawl players for being incredibly cheap. His slow attacks make him an easy target in the hands of a n00b, but in the hands of a pro, you’re in for a world of hurt. If you’re a light weight character or, Gods forbid, Jigglypuff, you’re pretty much screwed.

I used to suck as Ike but I’ve gotten a lot better with him. Some find it a bit irritating. *hehe*

7. Pit

SERIES: Kid Icarus

The hero of Kid Icarus for the NES returns in his first game appearance in years. Is he an awesome character? You bet your ass. Pit is a lot like Link in that he has an assortment of different weapons at his disposal. That’s part of the reason I like him. His primary attacks aren’t all that powerful but he’s quick and he can wrack up damage easily. At a distance, he’s a cheap little bastard. If he isn’t pelting the crap out of you with arrows, he’s using that damn shield against everything you throw at him. He also has the best recover in the game but that’s to be expected when you have wings.

It’s good to see Pit make a comeback and, word on the street is Nintendo is working on a new Kid Icarus game for Wii. Hell yes.

6. Peach

SERIES: Super Mario Bros.

You’d think someone armed with a tennis racket, a golf club, a frying pan and an endless supply of throwable turnips would be able to avoid getting kidnapped all the time. Her mid-air jump may have been nerfed but the Princess kicks more ass than ever in Brawl. It’s nice to see Peach take a break from the damsel in distress role and join the fight. This usually has hilarious results with her beating the crap out of Mario or Bowser. Plus, nothing is more humiliating than getting your ass handed to you by the one who always seemed to be in another castle (well, until stage 8).

Peach’s primary attacks consist of bitch smacking (to let you know which of you is the real bitch) and whacking you with the items mentioned in the first sentence. The turnips are especially annoying. Every once in awhile, she’ll pull out a turnip that does hella-damage and she’ll even whip out a bob-omb every once in awhile (although that occurs very rarely). She also has the most annoying taunt in the world.

She also comes in a variety of different flavors: Tangerine Peach (Orange Daisy outfit), Cherry Peach (Red), Key Lime Peach (Green), Blue Raspberry Peach (DURRR Blue) and Snow Peach (white).

BEWARE THE WRATH OF THE PRINCESS!!!

SERIES: The Legend of Zelda

Speaking of kick ass Princesses, Zelda is as just as awesome if not more so. Unlike in Melee, Zelda is actually pretty useful this time around. Gone are the days in which players would exclusively use Sheik and avoid Zelda at all costs.

Zelda is no longer anywhere near as weak as she was when she made her debut in the last game. Her move-set is almost exactly the same but their damage and effect have been tweaked considerably. Players will now find themselves alternating between Zelda and her alter-ego depending on the circumstances of the fight. Again, it’s amazing she ever gets kidnapped by Ganon.

I always wondered if Nintendo would ever create a game that revolved around Zelda obtaining the Triforce of Power and becoming corrupt as a result. Although, if they ever did go through with that, they’d just make it so that Ganon was the one pulling the strings all along…

4. Pikachu

SERIES: Pokemon

I CHOOSE YOU, PIKACHU!

Yes, the little electric mouse Pokemon is my fourth favorite character in the game. This little guy OWNS. His electric attacks do massive amounts of damage and he’s a quick little bugger to boot. I call him “The Chu.” If my top three fail me, you must answer to THE CHU!

Pikachu is probably the most recognized and popular Pokemon ever. I’ve never really been into Pokemon but that’s not gonna stop me from using a cute little yellow rodent to beat the crap out of you with. He’s a bit of a light weight so he’s easy to knock around, but his speed and power more than make up for it.

3. It’s-a Me! Mario

SERIES: Do I even need to tell you?

A Smash Bros. game without Mario would be like a Street Fighter game without Ryu. And in a game that features Nintendo’s most beloved characters, Mario had damn well better be at the top of the list.

Mario plays much like he has in the past few games, the only difference is that two of his moves have been swapped. His Down Special is now his standard Down Mid-Air attack and his DS has been replaced with the FLUDD device he used in Super Mario Sunshine (which is almost completely useless). Still, he’s one of the best characters in the game.

2. Link

SERIES: The Legend of Zelda

The Hero of Hyrule and still one of my best characters since the original game. Some of his moves have been nerfed and he’s not quite as efficient as he was in Melee, but he still controls well. Link will always be among my favorites and has been since the days of the Golden Cartridge on the NES.

Link, in addition to his sword and shield, has various weapons to use; all of which are taken from games in the series (the Link in Brawl is modeled after the Link in Twilight Princess). The two moves that have been nerfed since are the spin attack and, to a lesser extent, his bombs. The spin attack needs to be charged up to have full effect and the bombs don’t have quite as much knock-back.

I’ll still kick your ass with him though.

1. Kirby

SERIES: Kirby (durr)

There is one who is far more powerful than any Italian Plumber or Skilled Swordsman; A force so powerful, it cannot be contained…

That force… is Kirby.

Ever since Kirby’s Adventure for the NES, Kirby has had the ability to swallow his enemies and copy their special abilities to aid him in his quests. In Smash Bros. Kirby can copy one of his opponent’s special moves to even the playing field. Captain Falcon giving you crap? Give him a taste of his own Falcon Punch! Mario being a dick? Use his own fireballs against him.

One of the interesting things about Kirby is that nobody seems to really know what he is. Some think he’s a marshmallow of some kind… or a pillow. Whatever he is, he’s a star-warrior sent to protect the citizens of Dreamland. Or something like that.

But all you really need to know is that he’s a cute little puff ball who will, literally, eat you up and spit you out.

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Just one story for tonight. I’ll have two more up on Wednesday. I’ve been trying to come up with something a little more unique than what I usually do and I might have it ready in time for Wednesday’s update. Tuesday’s update is half finished so I should have it done after I get home from work tomorrow

In tonight’s story, Gary fucks up Justin’s day once again by pranking him with one of the most annoying internet fads since All Your Base: The Rick Roll.

For the record, Valve is releasing a “Meet the Sniper” video next in their line of TF2 videos tomorrow. Though none of them are quite as good as “Meet the Engineer.”

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Justin had just gotten home from a long day at work and the first thing he did was pull a beer out of the fridge. Some gamers would think working at a game store would be the best job in the world, but he knew better. The people who walked in the store were usually clueless soccer moms trying to buy Grand Theft Auto for their kid and others were your average stupid customers. On the bright side, he did get a twenty percent discount on all items in the store (which he took advantage of as much as possible). Popping the cap off the bottle, he sat in front of his computer and typed in his password. It was time for some Team Fortress 2. As soon as he booted up Steam, a message window popped up. “Yo,” the message read. “You’ve gotta check this video out!” Justin’s fingers began the punish the keyboard. “Not right now, man, I just got home from work.” He closed the window and his cursor moved over the Team Fortress 2 icon when the window popped up again. “No, dude! Valve just released a video for the Sniper!” Justing paused. “Alright,” he said. “Send me the link. You better not be fucking with me.” The Youtube link came up and he eagerly clicked it. “Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you!” He couldn’t believe he had just fallen for it. “Fuck you, Gary.”

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Yes, I know the date says “posted June 14th” but until my head hits the pillow and I pass out, it’s still Friday.

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As you are aware, I, like most fighting game fans am looking forward to the awesomeness that is Soul Calibur IV. Last time I talked about this game, I was ranting about the irrational boob hatred being spouted across gaming sites everywhere.

This past week, it was revealed that, in addition to playing as either Yoda or Vader (depending on your console of choice), you can now also play as Darth Vader’s secret apprentice from the upcoming game The Force Unleashed. Suddenly, there was a disturbance in the Force and the hatred was then focused on the inclusion of Star Wars characters… again.

The primary complaint is that the characters just feel out of place in the Soul Calibur universe. Or at least that’s the argument among the more casual fans of the series. The geekiest of the geeks, however, have decided to take this up a notch by asking the following question: Why do the light sabers not cut through the swords?

Gee, I don’t know. Possibly the same reason that a well crafted, authentic Japanese Katana can’t cut through a pair of wooden Nunchuks. I imagine it would be pretty unbalanced if those characters gained an advantage simply because their wielding fucking laser weapons that are, themselves, unrealistic. And if they decided to take that kind of realistic approach (and successfully pull it off), then it would just be labeled as a Bushido Blade rip-off.

It’s obvious that at some point people forgot this one simple fact: it’s a fucking video game. A FIGHTING game. Does there really need to be any reason for them to be there other than “They’re totally fucking awesome?” Mitsurugi fighting Darth Vader is no more odd than Link fighting Solid Snake, or Strider fighting Wolverine…

Or Sub-Zero fighting Batman.

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I haven’t seen last night’s episode of Battlestar Galactica yet, but word on the street is, things get really fraked up in this one. I called Phil to ask if he had Tivo’d it but his wife answered saying that he was curled up in a corner, crying and sucking his thumb after watching it. Hopefully it will be online tomorrow when I get home from work.

UPDATE: Holy crap…

SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING SPOILER WARNING

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They find Earth…

And we’ve nuked the shit out of each other.

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Did I say Wednesday? I meant Thursday.

… >.>

Anyway, without further ado, here are the two stories that I’ve been slaving over the past few days. The first one I’m not all that satisfied with as I basically try to cram an entire chapter’s worth of story into Two Hundred and Fifty words. The second story, however, I’m quite proud of.

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I’m a sucker for romance. So sue me.

52 — 56.

Arkim stood with his back to her. On the east balcony of the tower, one could see the lake of Rothemdan in all it’s splendor. He tried to take in the scenery but Arissa had questions which he could not avoid… He couldn’t face her. Not after she had found out. Finally, she spoke. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked. He let out a sigh before answering. “That was a long time ago.” He stopped to think before he continued. “I am what I am. Nothing can change that.” “That isn’t what I meant,” she said. “I don’t care about your heritage. But what of the Order of Elchia?” Arkim flinched at this. The name of the Order alone brought back painful memories. He could still hear their screams even after all these years. “Did you murder all of those innocent-” “That wasn’t me!” he shouted. Arkim turned to her with tears in his eyes. It was time for the truth… “I tried to help those people. I turned against the Order and I caused it’s fall. I didn’t tell you because I lo-” Her eyes widened with shock and Arkim realized too late that he had said too much. He headed for the door. As he walked past her, she grabbed his arm and their eyes met. In that instant, it was as if the rest of the world faded away. The war, the Order, all had dissapeared and all that remained were two candles in the darkness…

This particular story revolves around two characters that I created in Soul Calibur III. I hope to recreate both of these characters in the upcoming Soul Calibur IV.

57 — 61.

Hayato hid among the shadows watching the cherry blossom pedals fall to the ground as he waited for his prey. The light of the full moon was all the light that he needed to see the world around him. It was then that she appeared. Slowly, Arashi walked down the stone cobble street; her twin katanas already unsheathed as she headed for the bridge where she was to meet her adversary. Her attire was somewhat puzzling. Aside from the iron guards on her arms and legs, the only clothing she wore was that of a red robe which, in addition to being far too short, did little to prevent her large breasts from almost spilling out the crimson cloth. She stopped at the foot of the bridge and he sensed her gaze in his direction. Hayato stepped from the shadows into her view, gripping the hilt of his Tanto blade. A sly grin spread across Arashi’s face. “You must be him,” she said. Hayato studied her for a moment before replying. “I would have thought that a warrior of your reputation would have come better dressed.” She laughed at this. “You’d be surprised how many I’ve killed this way,” she said. “Will you disappoint me like all those that have come before you?” Hayato drew his blade as he raised his eyebrow in suspicion. She’s either incredibly skilled, he thought, or incredibly foolish. It would take more than her voluptuous figure to distract a Ninja of the Demon Hunter Clan.

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Until tomorrow’s F-Bomb (which WILL be on time, I promise).

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Today, I’m gonna do the AVGN thing and take you back to the past to play the shitty games that suck ass. I feel I have pretty good taste and judgment when it comes to games most of the time, but there has been the occasional bad investment. Plus there were also my younger years when I was naive and I pestered the hell out of my dad to rent such-and-such game because it was based on Kick Ass Action Movie That I Watched To Death… only to discover that it was horrible and made your eyes bleed.

Onto the Top Ten Crappiest Games I’ve Played

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10. Okami for Wii

Before you flame the hell out of me, let me first say that I LOVE Okami and I can’t stress that enough. It as a beautifully artistic and well crafted game and the Wii version is still, despite it’s sometimes frustrating flaws, a good game. But the fact remains that the some of the controls are fucking broken.

When Okami was released for the PS2 and everyone got to play with the “Celestial Brush” mechanic, the first question that popped to mind was “Why wasn’t this game released for the Wii?” Two years later, we finally get a port but Ready At Dawn apparently didn’t bother to test the controls for the two key aspects of the game: the celestial brush and the combat.

In the Wii version, the Celestial Brush is wonky. The IR is way too sensitive causing the brush to jitter slightly even when your hand is rock-steady. This is especially frustrating when your trying to draw a straight line; something you do a lot in this game. In addition to that, the combat controls are also motion based. Not really a bad thing in and of itself, but you’ll be surprised to know that waggling the controller results in absolutely nothing. Waggle (the Wii equivalent of button mashing) results in nothing but death and you now have to time your swings to get consecutive hits and perform combos. So you basically flick your wrist like a conductor’s wand (and this is different from waggle how exactly?). Unfortunately, I didn’t catch on to this until a quarter of the way through the game…

Don’t get me wrong: Okami for the Wii is still a good game but if you don’t want to battle the controls, then you’re probably better off getting the PS2 version. Although, if you’re looking for a reason to legitimize the use of those rubber jackets that come packaged with Wii Remotes these days, this is the game you’re looking for (that you way you won’t damage your tv when you fling the remote in frustration). Still, it’s a good game. That said, it’s all down hill from here…

9. Parasite Eve for PSOne

Let me start by saying this: I hate Japanese RPGs. Or at least I started hating them when all the protagonists started wielding swords twice their size and began to dump their heads into buckets of lead based paint. So when I heard that there was this decent JRPG that took place in modern day New York and had a Sci-Fi theme, I thought I would give it a whirl. That was a bad idea…

The game is pretty linear unlike most RPGs and the combat is similar to that of Final Fantasy, except you control a single player and you’re allowed the freedom to move around the environment when fighting. The game’s story runs at an incredibly slow pace and the flashy CG cutscenes can go fuck themselves. My main beef with Eve is that it doesn’t know what kind of game it wants to be (is it an RPG or an Adventure game) and the pre-rendered backgrounds and fixed camera angles make it come off as nothing more than a clone of Resident Evil. Oh, and once you beat it, there is absolutely no reason to go back and play it again.

Total. Waste.

8. Myst

Contrary to what it’s fan base would like you to believe, Myst’s problem isn’t that it’s a point-and-click adventure game. It’s problem is that it’s the most boring point-and-click adventure game ever conceived. There are no other characters to interact with, none of the witty dialog or style of the LucasArts adventure games of the time; It’s just you, a deserted island and a series of logic puzzles which really adhere more to the developer’s logic than the player’s.

The last time I saw a copy of the original Myst was in the office of our computer administrator at work. I don’t think he’s ever even played it.

7. Guilty Gear Isuka

I had heard nothing but good things about the Guilty Gear series of 2D fighting games so, last year, I decided it was time to check it out. Unfortunately I bought the wrong game in the series…

Turns out Guilty Gear Isuka is a bit of a different take on the series and the developers tried to turn it into a four player brawl fest similar to Super Smash Bros. This introduced a few quirky things to the series, like having to press one of the shoulder buttons to turn your character if your opponent is behind you. Oh, and you needed a multi-tap to be able to play with two additional people.

The first time I played this game was with a couple of friends who used to live in the apartment complex I currently occupy. We ended up digging up my old Sega Dreamcast from my closet and spent the rest of the evening playing Soul Calibur and Marvel VS Capcom 2.

I don’t think I’ve even touched the game since.

6. Vampire Hunter D

Another case of my judgment getting the better of me. I liked the anime, chances are I would like the game, right? Wrong.

First thing to note is that the game is a loose adaptation of the film, which itself is a loose adaptation of the book. You’d think that a game about Dracula’s Vampire Hunting, Half Human son would be hard to fuck up (ask Konami) but somehow, Jaleco managed to do it. Rather than try to capture any essence of the film, the developers decided it would be a good idea to make a Resident Evil clone with piss-poor gameplay and confusing level design. And what RE clone would be complete without ear damaging voice overs?

I think I actually used this game as a coaster at one point.

No joke.

5. Enter The Matrix

I don’t know how it happened, but this game actually manages to be worse than the sequels to the original movie. The game follows the stories of Ghost and Niobe and takes place parallel to the events of the second movie. Unfortunately, playing as these two characters is the equivalent of playing a Justice League game where your only two options are Wonder Woman and Aquaman. It certainly doesn’t help that the combat is ridiculously easy and the driving scenes will make you want to slash your wrists open.

Why, oh why didn’t I take the blue pill?

4. Blaster Master 2

The original Blaster Master was a decent game for it’s time. It was released late in the NES life cycle and was a bit challenging, but it was still pretty fun. Two years later, a sequel to the original game was released for the Sega Genesis by a company called Software Creations, under the license of Sunsoft, the developers of the original.

The game sucked. The developers tried their hardest to emulate the first game but it just didn’t work out. The game comes off as more of a knock-off than a sequel and I still have the awful taste in my mouth to this day.

3. The Terminator for Sega Genesis

The Terminator was one of my favorite Sci-Fi franchises as a kid so when I saw that a game of the first film was on Genesis, I bugged the hell out of my dad for us to rent it. This was the second time I had made such a mistake and, for me, enforced the belief that any game based on a film was utter shit.

The game starts you off as Kyle Reese in the FUTURE and the first level is of you trying to destroy an HK factory and then escape in time to make it to the Time Travel doohickey so he can go back to the past (though not to play the shitty games that suck ass) and cause some kind of paradox by sleeping with his Leader’s mom (if you’ve seen the movies, you know the story).

The first problem occurs when you realize the only thing Kyle has is an endless supply of grenades to throw at the endless onslaught of machines, continuing the fucked up trend established in the Angry Video Game Nerd’s reviews of giving the player a weapon THAT ARCS OVER YOUR ENEMIES. You gain better weapons as the game progresses, but still.

The game follows loosely the events of the film and, by the time you get to the police station, you’ll start to notice just how lazy the developers were with this game. The backgrounds of the game consist of a single image that scrolls and repeats itself as the player progresses through the level. Not unusual until you realize that the game based on Terminator takes place in some alternate dimension where Earth has five moons.

2. Total Recall for the NES

Remember the movie Total Recall? Remember the scene in the movie where Arnold gets jumped in an alleyway by midgets in pink jump suits? That’s because it wasn’t in the movie. But it was in the game for some odd reason.

Much like Terminator, the game loosely follows the events of the movie but throws in a bunch of unnecessary bullshit and doesn’t even try to be fun. The difficulty is frustrating to the point that you want eat your NES controller and it’s damn near impossible to get through this game all the way to the end without the use of a Game Genie.

I won’t be back…

1. E.T. for the Atari 2600

There isn’t anything that can be said about this game that hasn’t already been said… I’m sure most of you are aware of this game’s legacy (from the constantly reduced price to the landfill in New Mexico), but for me, this is personal. I actually owned a copy of this game.

I would love nothing more than to put behind me the memory of falling into pits and collecting dots that I think were supposed to represent Reese’s Pieces, but this game will remained etched into my mind for the rest of my life.

*shudders*

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Join me for next week’s Top Ten in which I talk about my favorite characters in the latest Super Smash Bros. I’ve been meaning to do an article on Brawl for awhile now and I’ve been on a bit of a binge lately.

Also, I’m sorry for what you’re about to see but I simply have to post this video. My brother has become obsessed with internet fads all of a sudden. As such, I saw this video earlier and I have to share it (damnit, Nick, look what you’ve done).

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Sorry, but I think I’m suffering from writer’s block. I haven’t had very many ideas lately and every time I open Word, my mind goes blank. It’s frustrating.

I promise that you’ll get your fix though. I’ll think of something and to compensate for the late update, I’ll post two separate stories of 250 words each (10 bite-sized stories, technically). And yes, there will still be this week’s Top Ten Tuesday on time.

Something I have been working on is a review of God of War: Chains of Olympus for the PSP. Surprisingly, the game lives up to it’s console brothers. God of War III for the PS3 is also advertised on the back of the games instruction manual. There isn’t much info regarding the game other than it’s scheduled for release in late 2009 (hopefully the PS3 will be reasonably priced by then), but I did find this awesome fan trailer on Youtube though.

Tomorrow, I’ll discuss the Top Ten worst games I’ve ever played. Just to give you hint, one of them is based on a Steven Spielberg film and was released for the Atari 2600 (gee, I wonder what that could be).

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