Dracula X Chronicles for the PSP has gotten me on this huge Castlevania kick. After playing what must be my 20th play through of Symphony, I started pull out some of the older games in the series. For this week’s Top Ten Tuesday, I will be listing my favorite all time Castlevania games.

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10. Castlevania: The original and still one of the best games ever made. Sure, it lacks the polish of the later games and it gets insanely difficult the further you progress, but this game is classic.

The original Castlevania introduced many Nintendo players to the quest of Simon Belmont to destroy Count Dracula and anything that stands in his way. Players led Simon through six stages of Dracula’s castle whipping the shit out of skeletons, zombies, flying gorgon heads and ghosts while avoiding the many hazards and traps throughout each level. Despite some frustrating gameplay elements (which are addressed in later installments) the game stands the test of time pretty well and is still fun to take the occasional romp through.

9. Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse: The second game in the series wasn’t necessarily bad but it was a pretty big departure from the first title. Dracula’s Curse goes back to the series’ action-oriented roots but with some new game play elements to spice things up.

The game takes place about 200 years before the original game and places you in the roll of Trevor Belmont who is on a quest to destroy Dracula and blah blah blah… However, the Belmont isn’t the only playable character this time around. The first notable change is after you beat the first level. Instead of moving on to th next stage, you’re given a choice. There are several branch points after many of the levels and, depending on your choices, will lead you to one of three spirit companions to aid you in Trevor’s quest which adds a good amount of replayability to the game. Of the three original NES games, this one is the best.

8. Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance: The second CV game released for the Gameboy Advance. I didn’t care for Circle of the Moon so I was a little reluctant to get Harmony. After reading some reviews, I decided I’d give it a whirl and I’m glad I did.

This time around, you’re Juste Belmont, Simon’s grandson. Juiced Juste and his buddy Maxim head to Dracula’s castle to find their kidnapped friend, Lydie. When they get there, Juste begins to notice that Maxim is behaving odd and that his recent disappearance may be tied to Count Dracula.

The game emulates Symphony very well but that’s also something of a complaint among most fans. There is very little introduced here but it holds a special place with me. The graphics are much better than Circle of the Moon but the sound has taken a hit as a result. The sound effects are fine but the music is barely above NES quality. Personally, I don’t see that as a bad thing and I feel it adds a bit of an old-school nostalgia factor to the overall experience.

7. Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow: The sequel to Aria of Sorrow and the first Castlevania title for the DS. Aria was the last of the GBA games and revolved around a young man named Soma Cruz.

A year passes after Soma has escaped from Castlevania. Life continues as normal, until a cult member named Celia challenges Soma. Much like the dark priest Shaft, she wishes to resurrect Dracula, but cannot with Soma being in possession of lord vampire’s soul. Soma once again teams up with Julius Belmont, Yoko Belnades and Genya Arikado to invade’s Celia’s fortress and stop her underlings, both of whom are also candidates for the next resurrection of Dracula.

One of the cool things about Soma is his ability to use a variety of different weapons much like Alucard in Symphony, where else the Belmonts are limited to the Vampire Killer whip. The game reintroduces the unique soul-steal element first introduced in Aria and collected souls can now be used to upgrade your weapons. Dawn is also the only DS game, so far, that utilizes the touch pad. One of the games new mechanics requires you draw seals in order to finish bosses. It adds to intensity of the battles but they’re still pretty easy compared to some of the other games.

6. Castlevania Chronicles: Chronicles is the PSOne port of a CV game that was released on the X68000 computer in Japan. Castlevania Chronicles comes with the original version of the game and an “arrange mode” with slightly updated visuals and a remastered soundtrack.

The game is essentially a retelling of the original Castlevania. Simon Belmont has come to Dracula’s Castle, you know the drill by now. The real reason to buy this game is for the remake. The difficulty is much more balanced and the music is much more epic in scale. It’s a good revision of the original game but not the best, in my opinion. We’ll get to that one shortly.

5. Castlevania: Bloodlines: The only title in the series for the Sega Genesis and one of two games that attempt to tie the series in with Bram Stoker’s mythology. The game centers around two playable characters; John Morris (son of Quincey Morris) and his childhood friend, Eric Lecarde.

According to Bloodlines, the Morris’ are distant relatives to the Belmonts and, as such are capable of wielding the fabled Vampire Killer whip (which I’m guessing also has to do with Quincey helping Jonathan Harker kill Dracula). Years after the events in Bram Stoker’s novel, Dracula is resurrected once again with the aid of a revived Elizabeth Bartley and it is up to John and Eric. Oddly, it’s never explained how John gets the whip or why there isn’t a Belmont around.

The game is your standard action platformer like most CV titles at the time but one of the things that sets it apart is the option to select two different characters. John Morris operates the same as any other Belmont and Eric Lecarde spices things up a bit by wielding a spear. Both characters play slightly different from each other and have a unique move that causes their paths diverge in a few stages opening new areas.

The first level has you starting in Dracula’s castle but eventually you find yourself traveling to various locations throughout Europe, such as the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the fountain at the Palace of Versailles. Something else to note is the use of gems as currency for your sub weapons. Unlike the hearts, this actually makes a little more sense.

4. Castlevania Dracula X: Rondo of Blood: The wait has been long but the payoff is great. Dracula X is definitely one of the greatest entries in the series. The game centers around Richter Belmont and acts as a prequel to Symphony. For my impressions on the game, see Bite-Sized Story Time Vol. 4.

3. Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin: The second game for the DS and the best game since Symphony of the Night. Portrait is a direct sequel to Bloodlines and attempts to fill in a few gaps in the series’ continuity.

World War II is drawing to an end, but many have still perished. Much like in Bloodlines, the evil Count Brauner has used the souls of the departed to resurrect Dracula’s castle. Jonathan Morris, the son of John Morris, as well as his friend Charlotte, has ventured into the castle to take him down, and fight his soulless vampiric daughters. Here, we learned that John Morris perished after the events of the previous game, since the Morris bloodline is unable to wield the Vampire Killer whip as the Belmonts can. Only by defeating the soul of Richter Belmont can the Morris bloodline unlock the power of the long treasured whip.

Portrait follows the traditional Metroidvania type of game play that beens used in all recent entries of the series but adds a few twists. For starters, you can switch between the two characters which comes in handy depending on what you’re up against. Jonathan is able to attack his various weapons while Charlottes on magic and her spell books. You can also summon the other character for back up although they controlled by a simple AI.

Scattered throughout the castle are paintings that lead to other levels in the game and each painting has a different theme which adds a little more variation to the game. It also helps that the level design is easily ten times better than Dawn of Sorrow. If you’re only going to get one Castlevania game for the DS, get Portrait.

2. Super Castlevania IV: Yet another retelling of the original Castlevania, this time on the SNES and promoting the ridiculous trend of putting Super in front of the title of damn near every game released for the console. Of the different variations of Simon’s journey, this one is my personal favorite as well as my top pic for the best of the more traditional titles in the series.

While it doesn’t sport any of the branching paths or multiple playable characters that some of the others did, it was the best in terms of graphics of game play. Simon can now swing his whip all eight directions and he controls somewhat better than he used to. Rather than simply starting you off at Dracula’s doorstep, the first half of the game has Simon traversing the Romanian country side which adds a bit more scenery to the mix. And then there is the soundtrack. For a game running off of the SNES sound chip MIDI, the soundtrack is very atmospheric. This is a must play for all fans of the series.

1. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night: The best game in the series and the sequel to Rondo of Blood. I didn’t like the idea of not playing as a Belmont at first and I wasn’t sure if the whole Metroid style of game play would really fit… Oh, who am I kidding? This game is made of pure awesome.

Set five years after the events of Dracula X, Richter Belmont has come under control of the dark priest Shaft (he’s a bad mutha), who plans on using Richter to resurrect count Dracula for his own purposes. Sensing this shift in the balance of power, Alucard, Dracula’s son who had aided Trevor in defeating him centuries before, awakens from his eternal slumber to confront the count himself…

This game is the standard to which all other games are held. The story is excellent, the levels are beautiful and well designed and the soundtrack is amazing. The various items and weapons you’ll collect in the game all have unique properties that set them apart and the enemy variety is easily several pages long. At the time of the games release, there really wasn’t anything else like it which may explain why none of the games have lived up to the sort of wow factor that Symphony provided. The game is extremely easy to get a hold of these days. It comes bundled with Dracula X Chronicles and it’s available for purchase on PS3’s and 360’s online services so I definitely recommend checking this game out even if you aren’t into Castlevania.

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One of the not so fondly remembered games in the series is Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest for the NES. It’s not the game was bad, it was just incredibly frustrating and as a result, I only ever played through it once. I think this entry has gone on long enough so I’ll allow the Angry Video Game Nerd to sound off on this one for me.

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There is a movie coming out next month called Wanted that is based on a popular comic book miniseries by Mark Millar. After seeing the initial trailer, I wasn’t all that impressed. Then I saw the Russian trailer.

I just went from not interested to buying tickets in advance on Fandango. Well, not really. But I do plan on seeing this opening day. Now on to BITE-SIZED STORY TIME!

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…Then what the FRAK HAVE I BEEN EATING!?

36.    Todd scarfed down his breakfast as if he hadn’t eaten in days. We partied so hard last night, I was surprised he could stomach anything. “Damn,” he said. “This Raisin Bran is loaded.” I paused. Did he just say Raisin Bran? “Dude,” I said. “Those are just regular Bran Flakes.”

It’s hard for me to believe that there are some Smash Bros. fans out there who actually thought that the game’s singleplayer mode would have some kind of meaningful story/excuse for all of the characters to get together. It’s a frakin’ fighting game. What were they expecting? Marvel Secret Wars?

37.    Link and Marth faced each other with their blades drawn and ready. It was Marth who finally broke the silence. “Let’s go, Fairy boy” he said. “Why don’t you come over here and say that, Mister Tiara?” Link asked. “Maybe I will, Peter Pan!” “Well then bring it, Prince Valiant!”

Friends don’t let friends drink and play D&D.

38.    ”Infidel!” he shouted. “What did I tell you the punishment would be for such insolence?” Just as he was about to smite his foe, Justin walked into the room… and he wasn’t happy. “God Damnit, Gary,” he said. “Get off of my table and put your fucking pants back on!”

Another character from my fantasy series. It’s not mentioned in the following two stories but he wears a blind fold to hide his eyes…

39.    Marek could feel the assassin sneaking up on him as he meditated. Slowly, he began to realize that his blindness had somehow made him more aware of his surroundings. The assassin drew closer but he remained calm and focused. It was now time to test his skill with the sword…

Teh semi-conclusion!

40.    The assassin drew his dagger as he closed in. I can hear his steps, Marek thought. Finally, the assassin striked. In a single fluid motion, Marek unsheathed his blade and disarmed his opponent. The assassin stood shocked and defenseless. “Leave now,” Marek said, “and I’ll pretend you were never here.”

Inspired by a painting Nolan showed me at one point and the ramblings of my 13 year old brother.

41.    Daniel collapsed to catch his breath while Tommy loaded a clip into the gun they found. As the sun set, he used it to target practice on the zombies surrounding the van. “Are we going to die out here?” Daniel asked. “Dude,” Tommy said between shots. “Shut the fuck up.”

The continuing adventures of Gary: The Drunken Sorcerer!

42.    ”You are in a dark carvern,” he started. “There are stalactites all around and the only sound is of dripping water in the distance. Ahead of you is nothing but darkness and…” he trailed off as he squinted. “Gary!” he shouted. “Did you get fucking cheeto dust on my notes?”

Unfortunately, D&D isn’t the only thing he has a reputation of ruining.

43.    Justin was headed for the finish line. Finally, he was about to beat Gary at a game of Mario Kart. Suddenly his kart spun out of control and he crashed into a hill as his fellow racers sped by. “God Damnit, Gary!” he shouted. “Fuck you and your blue shells!”

I decided it was time to return to Jacob: The Vampire Gunslinger/Bounty Hunter. Didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted it to but I’m getting better.

44.    My guns were out of ammo and the bloodlust had taken over. My vision turned red and the scent of their blood became intoxicating. I tossed aside my pistols as pure animal instinct took over and I attacked the nearest assailant. I tore into his neck and drank his blood.

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Until tomorrow’s first ever Top Ten Tuesday, this is Abadox50: Defender of Boobs, signing off…

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Well, there was no new episode BSG this weekend. My friend, Phil and I were discussing this the other night and, somehow the conversation led to a discussion about the original series which in turn led to a discussion about an old episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 where they make fun of the film Space Mutiny: a crappy science fiction movie so low budget that the space battles all consist of recycled footage from the original 1978 Battlestar Galactica. If you’re at all a fan of BSG, it’s worth checking out the vids on Youtube of Space Mutiny if for no other reason than to see how absolutely horrible it is.

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A few new characters have been announced for the upcoming fighting game sequel Soul Calibur IV. Despite my love for all things SC (the exception being the crappy Wii game), I’m really starting to get a bit irritated at some of my fellow fans. Every time new details/screenshots emerge, people find something to bitch about. One of two major complaints about the game has been the blatant sexualization (is that even a word) of the female characters. I can’t look at a single forum thread on the game without some asswipe bitching about the amount of boobage in the game.

I, personally, am a big fan of boobs as well as Soul Calibur. So everytime I hear a complaint about scantily clad clothing or “breast upgrades,” I can’t help but pound my fist on my desk because it’s like hearing a complaint about a candy product that contains chocolate and peanut butter. How do you go wrong with that? And I don’t want to hear the bullshit excuse about how the female fighters are demeaning to women because of they’re perfect figures and lack of clothing. The game is pure fantasy and the same could easily be said for the male characters. Don’t believe me? Go back and play the previous installments. Damn near all of the male characters in those games have perfectly athletic bodies and have at least one costume that has them with their frakin’ shirt off.

Seriously, it’s like a fraking beer brewery their are so many goddamned six-packs.

We’re not even going to discuss the massive codpiece on Voldo’s crotch…

Another series of complaints I can’t stand are regarding the inclusion of Yoda and Darth Vader in two different versions of the game. Soul Calibur is one of the very few fighting games in which things like “story” and “continuity” actually matter, but the continued belief that the game’s bonus characters will have any effect on this is absolutely ridiculous.

Let’s look at Soul Calibur II for a minute: Each version of the game had an exclusive bonus character. Xbox owners got to play as Todd McFarlane’s Spawn, PS2 owners got Heihachi from Tekken and gamecube owners were blessed with Link from the Zelda series. Now lets go to Soul Calibur III. Do you think any of these characters had any impact on the continuity of the series? Were they at all mentioned in any way during the game?… No, I didn’t think so.

Darth Vader and Yoda’s inclusion in the game is not an attempt on the part of either Namco or LucasArts to merge the two universe’s. They’re just there.

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Those of you that know me personally are aware of my love for First Person Shooters. Those of you who keep up with my blog are also aware that I have a thing for the more obscure games in the genre. One of the games that I planned on writing a review for was a gem from a few years ago called Painkiller.

However, it appears that Yahtzee of Zero Punctuation has beaten me to the punch.

About a day or two after this video was posted at Escapist Magazine, an advertisement popped up on Steam for Painkiller: Gold Edition and contained the quote from Zero Punctuation “All you really need to know is there is a gun that shoots shurikens and lightning…” So, yeah. If you’re the type of person that likes good old fashioned “kill a bunch of shit” first person shooters, then Painkiller is for you.

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My first Top Ten Tuesday this week will be about my favorite Castlevania games. I’ve been playing the hell out of Dracula X Chronicles on my PSP and, as a result, I’ve been on a big CV binge.

That said, it’s time to whip it good.

Until tomorrow’s Bite-Sized Story Time…

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Yes, I know. This week’s F-Bomb isn’t up yet. It’ll be up sometime tomorrow.

For those of you wondering, I’m currently working a part-time job in the evenings so I can save up for XBox 360. Yes, I know I’m late to the party but with Soul Calibur IV coming out in late July, I no longer have any excuses not to get one.

Also, coming this week, I have a new series of themed posts planned: Top Ten Tuesday. On Tuesdays, I’ll be putting up my own personal top ten lists. They’ll range from favorite games, favorite bands, favorite movies, favorite porn stars, etc.

Now that I’m home from work and exhausted as all frak, it’s time to go kill something. I’ll see you guys later.

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Ah, Castlevania… the name alone is the source of many childhood memories. Being a long time gamer born of the 80’s generation (and I have the Genesis and Billy Idol playlists to prove it) I, too, aided Simon Belmont in his quest to destroy the evil Count Dracula in the golden NES days. The first CV game I was introduced to was Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest. Not exactly the best game to start with but this eventually led to the discovery of the original Castlevania as well as Castlevania III.

The overall concept of the original game is fairly simple but, like all long-standing franchises has managed to evolve into something more substantial over the years. You are a member of the Belmont clan, an ancient bloodline of vampire hunters chosen to fight Count Dracula (who is resurrected every one hundred years all the fraking time) with your holy, enchanted whip the “Vampire Killer.” It all started as a basic homage to old, classic, black & white horror films with end level bosses like Frankenstein and The Mummy but eventually became something of an alternate universe to Bram Stoker’s novel (supposedly the Morris’ are distant relatives of the Belmonts).

The 2D games have been divided into two different categories in terms of gameplay. It started out as a standard action platformer (with a bitch-hard difficulty) but most of the recent games are modeled after Symphony Of The Night, which CV fans refer to as the “Metroidvania” style (Metroid featured a style of play that allowed players the freedom to explore and the recent CV titles follow this concept). Symphony Of The Night is often hailed as the best of the latter, but its prequel (and supposedly the best of the classic Castlevania’s) hasn’t been released in the States until recently: Dracula X: Rondo Of Blood.

Sure, anybody familiar with the terms Internet, Google and Emulators can easily play it at this very moment or have been for years. Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles for the PSP, however, is the first official State-side release. Dracula X Chronicles is essentially a 2.5D remake of Rondo Of Blood with the original PC Engine version thrown in as an unlockable as well as a port of Symphony Of The Night.

The 3D remake is pretty much what you would expect: a visually enhanced version of the original game. The backgrounds are much better compared to some of the stages in the PC Engine version but some of the character models look pretty jagged for something that’s supposed to the portable equivalent of a PS2. Some feel the original is easier than the 3D remake (and vice-versa) but I can’t tell the difference myself. Of the two, I have a slight preference for the remake mainly because you can customize the soundtrack. As for the original Rondo Of Blood, it was definitely worth the wait. Personally, I wouldn’t say it’s the best of the old-school CV games (that title still belongs to Super Castlevania IV) but its become a new favorite.

The port of Symphony Of The Night is nothing short of awesome. There are some slight differences between the PSP and PSOne versions but it’s an overall improved experience. The dialog has been re-written and re-recorded and you can switch the language from English to Japanese. If you’re a CV fan and you own a PSP, this a must own. Three games for $30 is a pretty good deal.

And now it’s on to this week’s edition of Bite-Sized Story Time.

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Aw, man… this is almost as bad as that one episode of BSG where Starbuck dies… OMG SPOILERZ!!!

27. Not like this, she thought. Please, I can’t lose him like this. Arissa’s hold was tight but she could feel Arkim’s strength draining. He stared into her eyes, one last time… “I love you,” he whispered. He released her and she watched, helplessly, as he fell to his death. “Arkim!”

Don’t drink & drive. Also, revenge is a dish best served cold.

…

KAAAAAAAAHN!!!

28. I held him by the hair in front of the tombstone and pressed the pistol against his neck. “I said look at it!” He opened his eyes and began to read the engraving. “That’s my wife,” I said. “I want you to remember that name everytime you see your wife.”

DRADIS Contact: Crappy BSG fanfic just jumped in. I thing I was suffering from writer’s block when I wrote this. Alcohol’s making things a bit hazy right now…

29. “Just half an hour left, Jumper,” I said. “Roger that, Cap,” she replied. I scanned the asteroid field before us. Patrolling the Armistice Line seemed completely pointless. Life in the Twelve Colonies hadn’t been interesting in over fourty years… but I couldn’t shake the feeling something was coming. “DRADIS contact!”

Hmmm… yes siree. You’ve definitely got mutant zombies in your basement. I’m gonna have to call Greg down here for some special supplies. Y’know, a Bible, Holy Water, the usual…

30. The bloody mass lay curled on the floor. Whatever this thing was, at least it had stopped moving. My girlfriend finally answered the phone. “Hello?” Damnit, I have to focus. “Uh… Yeah. Vanessa, it’s me,” I said. “Listen, I’m gonna be a little late tonight.” She paused. “Why, what’s wrong?”

Inspired by a random forum thread I was reading.

31. The cyborg riding a unicorn headed toward the horizon. After he dissapeared, a large mushroom began to sprout behind me. I turned around to see the most awesome Heavy Metal band ever perform on top of its massive, color changing cap. “Wow,” I exclaimed. “This is some really good shit!”

The next four stories act as a prequel to the “mutant zombie” story. It’s an idea for a horror story that’s one part Bag Of Bones, one part Eternal Darkness and two parts Silent Hill.

32. The door to my study was open. Someone else was here. Slowly, I pushed the door open and I peered inside. Only the light of the full moon shined through the window. I took one step in and noticed that my desk drawer was open… where I kept my gun.

Oh snap! Not the gun!

33. I tried not to panic. My eyes scanned the room. There was no one else in here. But they could still be somewhere in the house, I thought. I stepped out into the long hallway and my heart nearly stopped. A dark figure was at the other end watching me.

This shiz be freaky, d00d.

34. Paralyzed with fear, I stood frozen. Slowly it began to move towards me. As it came closer I noticed that it’s lower half was missing… it was hovering towards me. Suddenly, I heard dozens of voices whispering all around me in a dark and twisted language. It drove me insane.

OH TEH NOES!

35. I tried to back away but lost my footing and fell to the floor. I looked up only to see the dark figure hovering over me. The very sight terrified me. No face, no features, just the blackness of shadows and two piercing red eyes… and then I woke up.

See You Next Mission!

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So… I got No More Heroes this past Tuesday. I haven’t been able to put it down. It’s that good. I haven’t finished it yet but I’ll have a review up once I’m done. If you’re a Wii owner who’s been itching for a game that’s a little more on the mature side than you owe it to yourself to get this game. You won’t be disappointed. And if you are, you have no sense of humor and you’re an elitist prick. Go play GTA or Halo or something… ya prick.

Some new media was just released recently for Konami’s Silent Hill: Homecoming, the latest game in their dark, creepy, I-think-I-just-shit-myself horror series. The latest installment has been outsourced to an American development team which has lead to some concern as to whether or not the game is going to be any good. Considering that Team Silent’s last game was Silent Hill 4: The Room, I don’t necessarily see this as a bad thing. Silent Hill 4 was a so-so game in my eyes and the general reaction for Silent Hill: Origins on PSP was pretty much the same. Still, I’ll reserve judgment for when I actually get to play the game (same goes for Origins).

Also, we now have some first impressions from game blogs regarding Golden Axe: Beast Rider. Sadly, the game is a single player only affair and you’re limited to only one of the original characters. That kinda sucks. Hopefully the game itself will more than make up for these small short comings.

The Nintendo Wii gets a lot of flak for being a “kiddy system” and the fact that the majority of the people buying it are non-gamers who pretty much use it solely for Wii Sports doesn’t help much. Still, there are a lot of Nintendo fanboys (like myself) who still have faith in the little white box and hope that Nintendo or some third party developer will turn the tide with some knock-your-socks-off game aimed at the more hardcore gamer.

I thought No More Heroes was going to be that game but, unfortunately, I think I’m one of only eight people that actually own a copy. Then, today, I saw this.

Looks to me like somebody stuck No More Heroes and Sin City in a blender. Considering that Platinum Games is composed of most of the people from the now defunct Clover Studios (Okami) this game looks promising. I bet Capcom is really frakking sorry they let these people go (hehe).

In other news, id Software recently announced that development on Doom 4 is under way. Here’s hoping that they address the inability to attach the flashlight to your gun with duct tape. Doom 3 was a good game but when I have to switch back and forth between my weapons and the flashlight just so I can see where I’m going there is a frakking problem. Maybe they’ll do the smart thing and NOT expect the mod community to fix their mistakes for them.

Alright, I’m done. It’s No More Heroes time.

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“The most dangerous place in the world is between a mother and her children.”

This quote is the caption of a drawing by Eliza Gauger in response to the September 11th attacks. The political cartoon depicts a young, maternal Statue of Liberty, cradling a baby wrapped in an American flag in one hand and a revolver in the other. The political aspect of the cartoon is something I’d like to avoid. Instead, I’d like to focus on the nature of the quote in the cartoon.

There is a story that I have planned that revolves around this theme. A young mother, after giving birth to twins, is forced to leave her village and take her children to safety. She travels across the land with her children and her husband as the agents of the enemy move to stop her. Her children are special… One day, they will bring about great change and it is prophesy that her children will lead the “Last child of the Paladins” to their ultimate fate.

During her journey, she faces countless hardships in an effort to seek the only one who can protect them. Her friends die trying to protect her… as does her husband. Yet she moves on, protecting her children at all cost. She vows to never let anything happen to them and would even die for them if necessary. There is no bond stronger than that between a mother and her children…

The story is a part of a much wider universe that perhaps you’ve seen in past volumes of Bite-Sized Story Time. Included in this week’s are the “Reader’s Digest” version of two key scenes from the story (there’s only so much you can do with 50 words).

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The most dangerous place in the world is between a mother and her children. This guy figures it out the hard way…

18. Its eyes were wide with shock and pain. Tirana twisted the blade in the beast’s chest and it cried out in agony. The birds in the trees fled into the night sky startled by the outburst. Victorious, Tirana looked the creature deep into it’s eyes. “Stay away from my children!”

By staying with her children, she risks her own life as told by prophesy… but that doesn’t matter to her. She loves them. She can’t bare to leave them.

19. “No.” Master Thorin did not forsee this. “What?” She looked up from the twins cradled in her arms. “I understand that my fate is seperate from theirs, but I will not leave them. These are my children, Master Thorin.” He knew he couldn’t deny her wish. “Then you may stay.”

Years later, one of the twins approaches the other about their mother’s sacrifice for them. Her death has scarred them both but the male suffers the most.

20. “Do you ever think about what happened to mother?” She looked as if she had expected that question. “Not as often as you do.” Oddly, her response didn’t surprise me. “Tyrin,” she said. “Tell me what’s on your mind.” She stood and headed towards her study. “Come, smoke with me.”

Not long after, the time for their own journey has come…

21. “What do you think?” I asked. Tyris’ eyes studied the cliff intently. “It’s a long way up,” she said. “But I think we can manage it.” I was afraid she would say that… She turned to me with a slight grin on her face. “Still afraid of heights?” she teased.

They will face many hardships in their quest, much like their mother. But in the end, they shall prevail.

22. Tyris couldn’t take it anymore. She could feel the pain they were inflicting on her brother. She struggled with her restraints. “What are you doing to him?” she cried. “You have no right!” The dark figure turned to face her, it’s eyes glowing in the shadows. “We’ll see about that.”

Meanwhile, in another part of the world in which they live…

23. Tearran readied her sword and shield as the Drakon forces moved in. Her fellow knights stood behind her, ready to attack on her mark. They were the only thing standing between the enemy and the kingdom of Rothemdan. “Now!” she shouted. Her knights ducked as the archers raised their bows.

So… is she making love to him or choking him to death?

24. She felt no regret. Arissa had wanted this for so long. They’re experiences brought them together and formed a bond that would take an army to destroy. If it was a mistake, she could live with it. She tightened her arms around him and wished this moment would last forever…

Up in the sky… it’s a bird, a plane, it’s… CRAZY CHICK!

25. “I know it’s hard Eric,” she said calmly. “But I want you to know that I truly love you.” The rope had rubbed my wrists raw… Still, I could feel it loosening. She held the knife to my neck, her face mere inches from mine. “I love you so much…”

Yes, it’s another Team Fortress 2 inspired story. This time from the perspective of TEH SNIPER!!!

26. There he was, the cocky bastard. That big ass gun of his had managed to take out half of the team. It was time to change the tide… “Jason,” I said. “Hand me the rifle.” He hesitated. “Only got one shot left.” he replied. “One shot is all I need.”

Thank you, you’ve been a terrific audience… for me to poop on!

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Of the two next gen systems I don’t own, I’d prefer an Xbox 360 over a PS3. It has a much better library of games right now and the PS3, well, they’ve got Resistance: Fall of Man I guess. Oh, and Metal Gear Solid 4 is on the way. We can expect God of War III sometime in 2009. So yeah, there isn’t much else I can think of that I’m looking forward to. And yes, I know the PS3 version of Soul Calibur IV get’s Darth Fraking Vader but Namco has stated the possibility that he’ll be available as DLC for the 360 version somewhere down the line.

…

So yeah, I can’t think of another reason to get a PS3.

Oh, wait.

Holy crap.

I’ve already heard complaints about possible motion sickness and then, of course, there are the incredibly whiny “OMFG WHY IS DIS IN 1STPERSON WTF THIS G4M3 1Z GON BE TEH SUXXOR!!!11one”

I’m gonna break the “Frak” rule here… The fact that the game allows you to perform these acrobatic stunts through a first person perspective is what makes the game unique. Shut the FUCK up. If it were in third person, then you’re complaint would be that it’s another Prince of Persia clone.

On the subject of first person games, Gabe Newell of Valve (Half-Life, Portal, Team Fortress 2) has announced the company’s interests in developing for the Nintendo Wii. That, to me, is incredibly awesome. I really like the little white box and I’m probably one of the few people that owns over 10 games for it (and no, none of it’s mini-game crap). It’ll be nice to have some more, y’know, mid-to-hardcore gamer content on it. So what will it be? A port of The Orange Box? Portal for WiiWare? Or, dare I say, Team Fortress 2 for WiiWare?

“There’s a lot of people at Valve who are parents and would love to make a game for kids.

We all play the Wii a lot and we think that the proper way for Valve to approach the Wii would be to make something cool designed specifically for it.”

Yeah… that’s great. That’s just what the Wii needs. Like it’s not drowning in a sea of that crap already. Damnit, I wish No More Heroes and Okami would hurry up and get here. Stupid UPS guy… Sort out your priorities, man!

Alright, I’ve done enough bitching. It’s Friday night so I’m gonna get drunk. I’ll see you online, mini-gun at the ready. >:D

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So I got to see Iron Man this past Saturday. If you’re a comic buff and you haven’t already seen it, there is something very wrong with you. You need to stop whatever is you’re doing and go see it now! If you have to take care of the kids, either take them with you or call a sitter. If you have to go to a funeral, postpone it. They’re already dead, it’s not like they’re going anywhere…

I kid, of course.

Iron Man is easily one of the best super-hero films ever and, in my opinion, dethrones Spider-Man 2 as the best yet. Iron Man was one of my favorite Marvel heroes as a kid, though, so I may be a little biased. Still, it stands as a very well done film on its own and it’s hard to find fault with it. BE WARNED: This be a review so there be minor spoilers ahead, yar. And by minor, I mean stuff you comic geeks already know about Iron Man’s origins… yar!

The film opens with billionaire arms dealer and playboy, Tony Stark, under attack by terrorists after demonstrating his latest creation to U.S. military buyers in the middle-east. Tony is wounded by shrapnel (which ends up near his heart) and taken to the terrorist hideout where a doctor and fellow prisoner, Yinsen, installs an electro-magnet in Stark’s chest to keep the shrapnel from going into his vital organs and killing him. Oh, and the magnet is powered by a car battery.

The leader of the terrorist group wants Stark alive so that the scientific genius can build him the weapon demonstrated to the U.S. military, the “Jericho” missile, to go with their already large stockpile of Stark Industries’ other splodey products. While being held prisoner, Stark uses his time and resources (along with the help of Yinsen) to build a high-tech suit of armor as his ticket out. Stark manages to escape but not before blowing up the terrorists cache of weapons (splode).

Changed by his experiences, Tony decides that the resources of Stark Industries should be used to help people as opposed to making them go splode. This doesn’t sit very well with his business partner, Obadiah Stane, but Tony could give two shits as he’s much more interested in refining his suit.

As I said earlier, it’s hard to find fault with this movie. Probably the best aspect of the movie is the cast. Robert Downey Jr. practically is Tony Stark, Gwyneth Paltrow nails it as Virginia “Pepper” Pots; his loyal assistant with no life outside of her job, and Terrence Howard is very likable as Jim “Gonna be War Machine in the Sequel” Rhodes; Tony’s friend and fighter pilot. While the action sequences are few and far between, the exposition and build up to each one makes it more than worth it. One of the best is when Stark, after being screwed over by Stane, finally decides to take his suit into action by going to the middle-east to kick some terrorist ass. It’s not just a great super-hero movie but also a nice feel-good action movie with it’s liberal, anti-corporate message in a time when it seems like the rest of the world hates us.

Stick through the credits if you want to see Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury.

And now onto this week’s edition of Bite-Sized Story Time! But first I would like to wish a happy birthday to my friend Nolan. Happy Birthday and here’s hoping you get those birthday fajitas eventually, if not today.

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Ah, the “crazy chick” story. Nolan has suggested that I expand on the “crazy chick” story. And I plan to… eventually.

10. “Love can make you do crazy things… insane things.” I had to get out of there. God, Maria… what have you done? “Where are you going? Eric, stop!” I reached for the door but as she stood, a sudden fear gripped me. “Don’t you dare open that door!” she hissed.

One of my favorites. Nolan expanded on this story with my permission and I like what he’s done with it. I’ve decided to do a continuation of it. You can find both the setup and the aftermath here, courtesy of Senor Hobbs.

11. “Don’t make me do this,” I said. “Good to see you, too.” he replied. We drew our guns simaltenously and were now in a stand-off. It was just a matter of which one of us would shoot first. “You boys alright?” The voice came from the kitchen. “We’re fine, mom.”

This one’s cheesy, I know. But it’s supposed to be. There is lots of dark humor in the universe this story is set in. It’s also connected to three of the stories from last week.

12. “Fool,” he said. “Do you honestly think that your ancient ways will work against others with the Dark Gi-” I plugged a round into his servant’s head and watched him melt to ash. “Spare me the Anne Rice bull shit,” I said. “I’ll ask one more time: Where is he?”

I have no idea what they’re hiding from. It could be zombies, it could be Aliens. Nolan thinks its rabid squirrels. I like that idea.

13. Day Twenty Three: One of those bastards managed to make it inside again. I spent all fucking morning fixing that damn door, too. There are a number of things that need to be done around here and we’ve got enough food to skip ration hunting for at least a day.

Connected to the first story I wrote, this is the guy’s twin sister. She’s an awesome character and a lot more light-hearted and cheery than this story depicts her, but she’s pissed for a very valid reason as you can tell. I’m undecided as to whether or not I want her final name to be Tyris.

14. “Enough!” Her voice echoed like a clap of thunder and a cold breeze swept throughout the temple. The two men stood paralyzed with fear as the girl remained curled on the floor weeping in shame. Tyris stepped forward, ceremonial spear in hand. “How dare you assault a priestess!” she shouted.

Inspired by a true story that happened to a guy I once knew. He didn’t actually get physically violent but he did threaten his roommate with a bat. The save file in question, I think, was Final Fantasy VII.

15. That did it. He had crossed the line before, but this time he had gone too far. Well, it wouldn’t happen again… I kicked down his door and swung my bat right into his gut. I wasn’t done with him… “You’ve overwritten my save file for the last time, asshole!”

Connected to the story where the vampire guy gets shot in the face.

16. The Dark Creature emerged from the portal with a roar that sounded like the cry of a thousand lost souls. Its massive wings spread and its many arms reached toward the heavens. To a normal person, this may have seemed frightening. “You have got to be kidding me.” I said.

Dedicated to the Team Fortress 2 Pyro. May your flamethrower continue to torch many bitches.

17. “Well, everything checks out. You have the credentials and the experience,” he said. “So why do you want to join the team?” Saw that one coming… “I was born for this,” I replied. “What?” Damnit… I forgot I was still wearing my mask. “I said I was born for this!”

IT’S OVER!!!

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Shipping to me this week (as early birthday presents courtesy of teh mommeh) are No More Heroes and Okami. The Wii has been in need of some loving lately, outside of Brawl, and these games will make lovely additions to my collection. I’ll have reviews when I finish them. Also, I’ll almost done with my Prey article and that will go up later this week. Until then, may the Lords of Kobol watch over you. So say we all!

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So there was this game that came out this week called Grand Theft Auto IV. I don’t know, some of you might have heard of it.

The much anticipated title by Rockstar came out this past Tuesday and gamers rejoiced… at least, those that had a PS3 or 360 (bastards). As with the release of almost every GTA, media watchdogs and the horribly out-of-touch get a hair up their ass about it and ramble on about the non-existent threat of violent games “mentally molesting” today’s youth (JT’s words BTW). In addition to the likes of JT, we’ve also had MADD (mothers against drunk driving) complaining about the game’s drunk driving element. Because, y’know, gamers can’t at all distinguish reality from fantasy or right from wrong…

In somewhat related news, Vivendi and Activision, or whatever they’re called now (Blizzardvision? ActiBlizzard?), are apparently not renewing their memberships with the Entertainment Software Association, the trade association which represents US game publishers, and are not participating in this year’s E3. A few other publishers won’t be participating at E3 either though they haven’t dropped their ESA memberships. Wedbush Morgan’s Michael Pachter is quoted in an article on Kotaku and apparently this stems from certain issues with the ESA’s current president, Mike Gallagher.

“Lowenstein was a very savvy industry veteran who paid attention to the goings-on in the industry and cared what the community had to say. The new person… whose name completely escapes me because I’ve never met him or heard from him, is far less knowledgeable and sophisticated about this industry than Doug was and is going to make some rookie mistakes.

Doug used to be a very visible spokesperson in congress… when you’d get these [things like] Barack Obama saying videogames are corrupting our youth or MADD saying that Take-Two should pull GTA off the shelves, you would hear Lowenstein immediately shoot back. I would guess that Activision doesn’t perceive the same value from the ESA as they did under Doug’s leadership. I criticize [Gallagher’s] lack of drive to learn about the industry.”

Ouch. In true gamer fashion, Gallagher is getting crap for being “teh n00b.”

On the subject of Blizzard (or whatever), word on the street is they’ve bought the domain www.diablo3.com and all I’ve really got to say is it’s about fraking time!

Also this week, Team Fortress 2 received an update. You can now unlock new weapons for the Medic through certain achievements. That’s great, but unfortunately I suck as Medic. Though it is nice to see Valve making use of achievements for unlocking new content as opposed to simply being there for bragging rights. Now if they would just release an achievement pack for a class that I actually give a frak about. Like the Heavy… or the Pyro. Soldier and Engineer would also be nice.

Tomorrow I’m going with a friend of mine to see Iron Man. Here’s hoping Hollywood does one of my favorite childhood heroes justice (unlike Silver Surfer). I’ll have a review of the movie up Sunday.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go kill some shit.

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