So, if the lack of updates and title of this post haven’t clued you in by now, I’ve been enjoying the hell out of my new toy. It started out as an addiction to Soul Calibur IV but once I got my new debit card, I soon discovered the joys of the Xbox Live Marketplace. I’ve since purchased Galaga Legions, Geometry Wars 2, Bionic Commando: Rearmed, Castle Crashes and a shit load of demos. Though most of my free time has been spent with Crashers and Rearmed.

I’ll post mini-reviews of all the games I’ve gotten later, but right now I’m gonna do something I normally wouldn’t. I’ve been tagged by a certain other blogger to list “6 Unspectacular Things about me.” So here you go.

6 Unspectacular things about me!

1. I’m moderately good at video games

Sometimes when playing, my family will watch and comment on my excellent performance without realizing that all I’m doing is mashing the same button over and over again.

2. I make a mean Sammich

Years of being a bachelor has turned the act of making a Sammich into a fine art.

3. I like Drunk Gaming…

…and probably more than I should. Although, from what people online have told me, it doesn’t really effect my performance as much as it does my behavior. “No, the Medic! The Medic! Shoot the fucking Medic!!!”

4. I have two younger siblings

We all get along well but if there is a game of Mario Kart going on, it’s probably not a good idea for all three of us to be in the same room.

5. I’m neither democrat nor republican

I’m pretty middle-of-the-road when it comes to my beliefs. It’s hard to pick a side when all the Right and Left seem capable of is pissing all over my First Amendment rights (mainly Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Expression).

6. I like Nerd Girls

My own personal Kryptonite comes in the form of cute girls with Velma Dinkley glasses whose interests extend beyond shopping/clubbing and love to quote their favorite sci-fi movies/TV shows. Now if I could just convince one of these rare beauties to date me.

I’m supposed to tag someone else but the only other person I know isn’t likely to respond to it so I guess the meme will just have to die a slow death here.

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After much gaming on the 360, I finally came back to Team Fortress 2 last night to check out the new updates for the Heavy. I really like this game but there are a few things about it that irritate me. So for this week’s list…

10 things that piss me off in Team Fortress 2!

10. Scout Rush

When the situation doesn’t look good and there is less than a minute left in the round, you always have that one dipshit who insists that everyone on the team switch to Scout and then acts all pissed when his plea for a Scout Rush goes ignored. I’ve been playing this game for over half a year and I’ve never seen a successful Scout Rush.

9. Level 3 Sentries

Level 1 Sentries are easily dispatched and a Heavy can stand toe-to-toe against a Level 2 in some cases. Level 3 Sentries are a pain in the ass, especially when the opposing team decides it’s a good idea to have 4 Engineers and your team has no spies.

8. The new Heavy update

I’m not going to rant about class unbalances or any shit like that, so this one’s more personal. I used to be one of only handful of Heavies. Before the update, it used to be that I would hardly ever join a server that already had a Heavy on there team. The Heavy was my favorite because of how underused and underestimated he was. Now he’s had a spike in popularity and I’m not so special anymore. *sad face*

Still, I look forward to unlocking some of the new stuff. Unlike some people who seem to think that all these updates are somehow “ruining” the game. Which brings me to my next complaint…

7. Bitching about Free Stuff

Yes, how dare Valve release new content for their game at no cost in order to keep it fresh and entertaining. What the fuck were they thinking?

6. Retarded Engineers

Why the fuck did you put the teleporter exit there of all places and what do you think that Level 3 sentry is going to accomplish tucked away in that corner?

5. Retarded Medics

Dear God, I’m on FIRE! MEDIC! Oh, thank God! Make the hurting sto- Oh… Ok, fine. Ignore me. I guess I’ll just burn to death then.

4. Needless Taunting

Nothing is more satisfying than when your team finally breaks through and you capture the enemy point. Also, nothing ruins that satisfaction quite like a Demoman standing next you while capturing the point and going KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM!

3. Message Spamming

Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispe-

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

2. Complaints about Crit Rockets

I swear… there isn’t a single game in which I here someone yell “Fucking Crit Rockets! That’s bullshit! All that guy fires is Crit Rockets!” Look, if you don’t like how Valve programmed the game then go play something else.

1. Spies

Fuck spies.

FUCK. SPIES.

Enemy spies are assholes. They can turn invisible, stab you in the back and disguise themselves as fellow teammates. They’re the main reason I like playing as Pyro since they contain the best piece of weaponry for weeding spies out among your team.

Spies make me paranoid… Sometimes I’ll fire at thin air thinking that there’s a cloaked spy near by. Then when I think it’s safe, as soon as I let my guard down, BOOM! I’m dead.

Fuck spies.

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Yeah, yeah, shut up… XP

Since I got Soul Calibur IV, I’ve been like a crack addict waiting for his next fix. That said, I need help. Actually, I’ve been pretty patient about this, but I’ve still got inner-child bouncing up and down going “Can we play it yet? Oh… How about now? Ok… Now! …. Now? … How about now?” So in an attempt to satisfy my video game junkie side, Soul Calibur is the focus of this weeks Top Ten.

As I said in yesterday’s Monday’s update, SC has become a tradition among my brother, sister and I. It’s a way of bonding for us, and by “bonding” I mean exchanging harsh words, choking each other with controller cords and just talking shit in general. My sister (who from this moment forth shall be referred to as Panda) lives in Ohio and has access to a 360 as well as a copy of the game. So Live is going to make the choking part a bit problematic. Although I’m sure I’ll hear plenty of Panda’s Soul Calibur mantra of “Ring Outs are bullshit.”

Our little brother (who shall now be referred to as the Wii One) unfortunately will have to wait and see if teh mommeh will get him a 360 for Christmas. At least I know what game to get him if she does.

This week’s Top Ten are my favorite characters in the series and the Top Five are the ones we have down to a fine art.

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10. Yoshimitsu

There were plenty of other characters I could have put in this slot, but Yoshimitsu gets special consideration for his unique fighting style and cool factor. The last of his clan, Yoshi lost his arm in combat and had it replaced with a working prosthetic one. In addition, he robs from the rich and gives to the poor. So he’s basically some kind of steam-punk Samurai Robin Hood.

Yoshimitsu’s fighting style is a little difficult to learn at first, but once you’ve mastered him, he can be a really fun character to use. His style has gone mostly unchanged throughout the series but his appearance is always different from game to game.

9. Ivy

Isabelle “Ivy” Valentine is a british noblewoman and the biological daughter of Cervantes: the original wielder of Soul Edge. The coolest thing about Ivy (other than her ginormous b00bz) is her weapon, the Snake Sword. It looks like your standard short sword but the majority of Ivy’s moves consist of the sword uncoiling into a whip for long range attacks.

The one thing that’s disappointing about Ivy is that her move set has never remained consistant throughout the series. Namco always toys with it and she never controls the same. Other than that, she has what is probably the most inventive weapon in the series. She also has a reputation for wearing really slutty dominatrix outfits and her already massive breasts somehow manage to get slightly larger as the series goes on. The current gen consoles may not have the processing power for Soul Calibur V if the pattern continues.

8. Taki

The only Ninja in the game and second place for biggest b00bz in the series. Taki is a demon huntress of the Fu-Ma clan and wields two ninja swords: Rekki-Maru and Mekki-Maru (Taki is also a blacksmith and forged Mekki-Maru using a shard of Soul Edge). As a ninja, she’s known for her quick, agile movements and fast strikes. She also has some exaggerated ninjutsu moves and some unblockable magic attacks.

Taki deserves a spot on the list because she’s a fucking Ninja and also a hot one. In the hands of a pro, Taki can be an incredibly cheap character, though I have seen some idiots accidentally fall out of the ring trying to pull off some of her moves.

7. Siegfried

Siegfried is the blonde pretty boy formerly known as Nightmare: the demon possessed warrior wielding Soul Edge. After regaining his free will, he escaped Soul Edge’s influence and goes on a quest to atone for his sins. Shortly afterward, the essence of Soul Edge physically manifests itself into the warrior that last wielded it and Nightmare is reborn.

The last couple of games (including Soul Calibur IV) use the conflict between Siegfried and Nightmare as the central focus of the story with Siegy wielding the “good” sword, Soul Calibur and Nightmare wielding (of course) Soul Edge.

Siegfried’s weapon of choice is a gigantic-ass sword that’s almost impossible for him pick up but he swings it around like it’s nothing. Panda doesn’t like it when I play as Siegfried (or a custom character that uses his style) because I can be really cheap with him. That and I have a reputation for stomping on my KO’d opponents when I play as him.

6. Xianghua

Xianghua used to be Panda’s favorite character but she was replaced later with likes of Talim and Seung Mina, but she still plays as her quite often. Xianghua is a dancer who uses a Chinese sword and, until the later games in the series, was the only character with a pure enough heart to wield Soul Calibur.

Every game has the “young and cute girl” archetype and Xianghua filled that role nicely until the likes of Talim and Amy came along to battle over that particular niche. She’s still one of the better and more balanced fighters in the series. In the first couple of games, she had a particular move that involved her falling to ground face down and throwing a temper tantrum, earning her the nickname Xiangwha-wha.

5. Maxi

Now we’re talking. Enter the nunchuk wielding Pirate guy with the Elvis hairdo. Maxi is a vengeful son of a bitch who pursues Astaroth, another fighter in the game who wields a giant axe and is responsible for the deaths of Maxi’s friends and crew. To avenge his crew mates, Maxi teams up with Xianghua and Kilik in their quest to destroy Soul Edge: an ancient sword that Astaroth is also seeking.

Maxi gets a bad rap because of his ridiculously button-masher friendly fighting style. It’s really easy to chain a string of attacks together with little knowledge as to what the hell it is you’re doing. That said, he’s a goddamned monster in the hands of a pro.

4. Talim

Talim is the new young and cute girl of the series and a wind priestess in training. Armed with two tonfa-like weapons called “Elbow Blades,” she seeks to destroy Soul Edge in order to protect the people of her village.

Her fighting style with those twin Elbow Blades can be summed up in a single word: CHEAP. Talim, being the tender age of 15 in the latest installment, is an agile little thing who’s movies involve a crap load of somersaults and jumps which also gives a lot of room for accidental self-Ring Outs.

“Holy cow, I’m flippin’ out like a monkey on crack here- OH SHIT! *splash*”

She may be cute and adorable, but she’ll mop the floor with your ass (assuming you can control her enough to not kill yourself).

3. Mitsurugi

Here we go. Mitsurugi is a Ronin (Samurai without a master) and the very embodiment of the term BAD-ASS. He’s a scruffy, long haired, traveling warrior with a katana and a bad attitude. Mitsurugi isn’t on any quest in favor of good or evil. He just wants one thing: to be the best damn warrior in the world. And what does the best damn warrior in the world need? Well, that would be the best damn sword in the world (gee, I wonder what it’s called).

Mitsurugi is a favorite among all of his. He’s quick, he’s strong and he talks a lot of shit. “Name’s Mitsurugi. Remember that!”

2. Kilik

My all time favorite character since the first installment. Kilik is a highly skilled martial artist from China and, according to the game’s mythology, Xiangwha-wha’s love interest. Not that anyone really cares. In a fighting game, the last thing on your mind is the story.

What makes Kilik so cool to use is his Bo Staff. It makes him worthy opponent at both close and long range, and gives him the advantage in most fights. There are those who abuse him, however, and just spam the same move over and over again giving a bad rap to those of us who actually know how to use him.

Besides, there is no greater satisfaction than taking out a big guy with a Battle Axe using nothing but a stick…

1. Seung Mina

… Unless you attach a blade at the end of the stick, in which case, you end up with Seung Mina: a young girl from Korea going through that troublesome “You’re not the boss of me!” phase and ends up running away from home to fight the good fight.

Mina started out as sort of a cross between Kilik and another character, Hwang, but she’s come into her own with more unique movesets (even if some of them are still lifted from other character’s movesets). Mina is Panda’s all time favorite character so we’ve had us quite a few Kilik VS Seung Mina battles.

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Well, today’s the day. I’m finally getting a 360 so I’ll be able to review the game that’s been sitting on my shelf for the past two weeks collecting dust. If you don’t here from me for the next few days, don’t worry. I’m planted safely in front of my TV.

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The Electronic Entertainment Expo has long been a favored tradition among the more “core” gamers. Since 2007, the show has been invite only (where else it was pretty open before then), but, so far, it’s still used by many video game developers to show off their upcoming games and game-related hardware. The 2008 event was a bit of a crap-fest, but, in addition to some of the first party titles, there were also some third party games we were hoping to hear from that didn’t make an appearance at this year’s event.

And thus begins this week’s Top Ten.

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10. Beyond Good and Evil 2

The first title was a Zelda clone with a Sci-Fi setting, featuring a female protagonist that, surprisingly, wasn’t sexualized and ended on something of a cliffhanger. The game received quite a bit of critical praise but ultimately didn’t sell very well.

The game has since gathered a bit of a cult following and fans have been hopeful that eventually we would see a sequel.

Luckily, a sequel was announced by Ubisoft back in May (along with a teaser trailer) but was surprisingly absent from this year’s event.

Bummer.

9. The Chronicles of Riddick: Assault on Dark Athena

Chornicles of Riddick: Escape from Butcher Bay will always have a place among FPS fans as being one of the best video-game-to-film adaptations ever. In many ways, it’s far better than the films it’s based on and introduced a few innovative features to the genre.

There were problems making it backwards compatible with the 360, so the developers decided “Fuck it, we’ll start over from scratch.” Unfortunately, this game was also absent.

8. Brutal Legend

From the mind of Tim Schafer (creater of Secret of Monkey Island and Full Throttle), Brutal Legend is an action adventure game with a Heavy Metal theme, featuring the voices if Jack Black and a soundtrack featuring talent such as Judas Priest and Black Sabbath. We were hoping to hear more at this year’s event but it looks like we’ll have to wait…

7. Half Life 2: Episode 3

Valve announced earlier this year that they wouldn’t be attending this year’s E3, but it’s still disappointing that we didn’t get a glimpse of the final chapter in the Half Life 2 saga. Portal 2 was also a no-show this year, but the game is still early in development.

6. New Indiana Jones Game

A new action/adventure game based on Indiana Jones was announced some time ago along with The Force Unleashed, but we haven’t heard anything since. Force Unleashed made an appearance, but the way things are turning out for the new Indy title, we might as well write it off as vaporware (Duke Nukem Forever anybody?).

5. WipEout HD

WipEout has always been one of my favorite racing games. It’s basically F-Zero meets Mario Kart. I was wondering why we didn’t see a demonstration at E3 but then this article appeared on Joystiq.

Y’know, I’ve watched some of the videos for this… and… uh…

*falls out of his chair foaming at the mouth*

4. Kid Icarus Wii

You don’t need me to tell you that Nintendo’s press release was a disaster, but it’s still surprising that we didn’t AT LEAST hear about the long rumored re-imagining of Kid Icarus. Fans have been begging for a sequel for years and the closest we’ve ever gotten is Pit’s appearance in Brawl.

3. New Super Mario Title

Sorry, Mario, but you’re Princess is another castle…

Goddamnit…

2. New Legend of Zelda Title

They could have at least given us SOMETHING. It’s nice to know that it’s being worked on but, damnit, give us concept art, a teaser, ANYTHING!

1. Duke Nukem Forever

Not that any of us expected it to be there in the first place but that’s what the “game” is notorious for.

Over ten years in development and the company has almost nothing to show for it. After a very brief teaser trailer earlier this year, as well as half-assed reassurance that the game was “under serious development,” Scott Miller had this to say about DNF’s absence at this year’s event.

“It’s just that we view E3 as irrelevant nowadays. In fact, I wasn’t even aware it was coming up.”

Pot, meet Kettle. Kettle, meet Pot.

Duke Nukem Forever has become the ass end of so many jokes, I feel guilty just mentioning it. It’s the video game equivalent of making fun of the Amish: anybody can do it. Hell, even No More Heroes took a stab at DNF.

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ZOMG SPOILERZ!!!

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In case you haven’t guessed it by now, I play a crap ton of video games. Some good, some bad but most were pretty awesome. One thing that has remained constant about my beloved hobby is that every game, no matter awesome it may be, has its flaws. But then again, every form of media is this way.

Most of the time, a game’s minor flaws are easily overlooked in favor of said awesomeness, but there is one thing that’s always bugged me about some and it amazes me that it’s still somewhat of a problem these days.

Voice acting. A game can have near perfect gameplay, stunning visuals and a beautiful soundtrack and still fall short in the voice acting department. Once the developers realized they’ve spent all their budget on everything else, they turn to this year’s interns and decide to put them work.

WARNING

The following is a Top Ten list of some of the worst voice overs in gaming. The samples provided in this post may cause ear bleeding.

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10. Devil May Cry

The Devil May Cry series has always seemed a bit overrated to me but that’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy the first game. It set the foundation for one of my favorite action franchises (God of War) but, as the title of this entry implies, it contained some pretty corny voice overs and poorly written dialog (the story didn’t make much sense in the first place though). It also has the one of the most laughably bad lines ever spoken in a game.

“I should have been the one to fill your dark soul with LIIIIIIIGHT!!!!111one”

9. The original release of Symphony Of The Night

Symphony has and always will be, not just my favorite Castlevania games but one of my favorite games of all time. But, as with most CD games released in the late 90’s, some things got lost in translation for the US release and the cast consists of bunch of nobodies. The guy who voiced Chris Redfield in Resident Evil voices Richter Belmont and the actor for Dracula sounds like he would be more at home as a villain in an old Hannah Barbara cartoon. The only decent voice actor is that of Maria Renard and even she kinda sucked.

The script was better translated and rewritten for the PSP port that comes packaged with Dracula X Chronicles, but the voice acting is only barely a step up.

8. Sin & Punishment

Treasure is easily one of the best things to happen to gaming, especially since they’re less focused on things like story and graphics and more on kick ass retro style gameplay. One of the games they made was a Japan exclusive for the N64 that made it’s American debut recently on the Wii’s Virtual Console. The game is everything you would expect a Treasure title to be: fun, fast and challenging.

I’m not lying when I say that I couldn’t explain the game’s story to you even if I tried. Nothing is explained or explored in the game but that didn’t stop the guys at Treasure from cramming in a bunch of badly voiced and badly written dialog (what a surprise).

(Sorry, the best I could find was of a guy playing it on his emulator)

7. Silent Hill

Despite Silent Hill 2’s superior story, it wasn’t quite as creepy as the first game. Silent Hill is still one of the scariest games I’ve ever played and as much as I love the sequels, nothing has been able to live up the level of fear the first game induced. It was such piss-your-pants experience that even the trademark “shitty voice overs in a survival horror game” couldn’t dampen the experience.

I still get chills in that damn Elementary School with the demon kids in it…

6. Soul Calibur sequels

I bought the first Soul Calibur for Dreamcast way back in 2001 and the name alone brings back a lot of fond memories. Despite the Dreamcast’s demise, I took the opportunity to snag up as many games as I could before they became lost forever and SC was one of those games. It was one of the few fighting games I was actually good at and it also introduced my sister to the wonderful world of video games.

The first game didn’t have any English dubbing so it was in Japanese with subtitles. At the time of its release I was already weary of voice acting in games but one of the things I liked about SC was playing the game in its original language. Japanese is an awesome language and one would think that in a land where gaming is much more mainstream that it is in the States, that they would hire only the best for their own work (because of my lack of knowledge regarding said language, they could just be really shitty at what they do and I just don’t know it <ignorance is bliss>).

Then the sequels came. As superior as the later installments are, I really hated the addition of English voice overs as a default. Fortunately, the developers made it so you could switch the language to Japanese with subtitles. But that’s still no excuse for this.

Still reading? That was just the mediocre stuff. This is where things get really bad.

5. Sonic Adventure

Sonic’s career may have taken a huge nose dive after the 16-bit era but his first (well, technically his second) outing in 3D was actually pretty good. Nothing spectacular but at least it wasn’t a sign of the end times. That title goes to the God Awful Shadow the Hedgehog.

Sonic Adventure had a number of flaws that needed to be addressed but most of those were gameplay related (Sega should really consider play testing their games a bit more before releasing them). However, the biggest is - yup, you guessed it - the voice acting. It wasn’t bad enough that they had to give them a game a plot, as if it needed one other than “Robotnik is a dick and kidnaps animals,” the acting barely meets what you would expect from a your typical Saturday morning cartoon.

You can change the language to Japanese but this isn’t Soul Calibur. The Japanese voice overs are actually just as irritating as (if not more so than) the English ones. Even Jaleel White didn’t suck this much.

4. House of the Dead 2

Ugh… It’s hard to dis a light-gun game that lets you blast the shit out of zombies but damn. The writing and the voice overs are just… wow.

Simple arcade style games are always going to be on the cheap side but this is just so bad, it’s almost funny. The game’s fun though, despite it having also resulted in one of the worst films ever made.

3. Mega Man 8

Oh God… where do I begin?

Why does Mega Man sound like a castrated 10 year old and who’s bright fucking idea was it to have Dr. Light sound like Elmer Fudd with brain damage?

2. Resident Evil

Resident Evil is best know for popularizing the formula first started by Alone In The Dark and starting the survival horror genre. Guess what else it’s also know for?

Of course, the game was still incredibly awesome. It was the first game that made me afraid to enter the next room as well as the first game I lost sleep over. Still, I’ll always give a chuckle every time I hear “Jill Sandwich.”

1. Shining Force 3

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAKE IT STOP!!!

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Story time Wednesday.

No More Heroes review Thursday.

Peace out.

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With the mid-season finale weeks behind us and no BSG in sight until 2009, fans aren’t left with much to do between now and then except speculate what the frak is going on. What’s up with Starbuck’s mysterious return from the grave in her new TEH SEX Viper? Who is the fifth and final Cylon? Will Bill and Laura finally do the Mattress Mambo before she dies of cancer?

And, finally, where the frak do they go from here now that we know Earth is TEH SUCK?

It’s kinda sad that this is the final season of the show but at least we won’t get to see it dragged out and beaten to death like most sci-fi series. There are eleven episodes left in the season and rumor has it that the send off is going to be huge. The last episode is supposedly going to be three hours long and we might also get another TV movie like Razor.

Currently in the process of watching the show again from the beginning, I’ve decided to make a list of my favorite moments for my own amusement (if for no one elses). Since I’m limited to ten on Teh Tuesday, I’ve had to leave out some of those kick ass moments, like Kat’s sacrifice and Saul Tigh’s transition from drunken crazy war veteran to drunken crazy hobo pirate.

Also, check out Wiki Frakr, where you can learn all about the Great Toasting of the Colonies and Margaret “Racetrack” Edmonson’s b00bz.

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Top Ten Most Awesome Moments in Battlestar Galactica

10. Adama’s Porno Mustache

One of the deadliest weapons in the Colonial fleet second only to the Adama Glare.

During the one year scene transition between the settlement of New Caprica and the arrival of the Cylons, Adama grew himself a 70’s pornstar mustache to represent a more relaxed and laid back Admiral who enjoyed the occasional doobie. It could also have doubled as a way to intimidate his enemies but, unfortunately, it was never tested as the Admiral shaved it immediately following the Second Exodus. In theory, the combined forces of the mustache and the Adama Glare would have been enough to destroy an entire Basestar.

9. The Blackbird

Shortly after things get back to “normal” in the colonial fleet, the people on board Galactica begin to realize that life in space fraking sucks. There is no relief from their day to day lives hoping the Cylons don’t show up and everybody is just grumpy and pissed in general. Especially Chief Tyrol, after witnessing the love of his life (also a Cylon traitor) get shot by the whiny bitch that would eventually become his wife. After threatening to club Helo with a wrench and almost biting Lee’s face off, Chief one night decides that he needs a hobby.

When the deck gang arrives for duty the next morning, Chief is already hard at work on building a new fighter and tells the deck that it’s strictly an off duty project. The deck gang isn’t all that crazy about it, especially Jammer, but he’s a pussy anyway. Chief tells them to frak off and works on the fighter himself. As the episode progresses, however, he eventually ends up getting the help of the entire deck gang, a few pilots and damn near half of the CIC. The result was an uber-awesome stealth fighter that Lee ended up destroying a few episodes later. Thanks, asshole.

8. New Caprican Loco-Weed

Before labor disputes, bad management, shitty weather and their new asshole roommates moving in (cylons), things were actually pretty good on New Caprica. There were parties, dances, drinking games and people making out in the fields. Eventually someone got the bright idea to start burning some plants and discovered that the smoke had some interesting side effects and symptoms include cotton mouth, Guitar Hero, poetry and the munchies. This person was most likely Laura Roslin as her and Adama are seen drinking and smoking a big fat doobie in a flashback to the good times on New Caprica.

The scene contains my favorite line by Admiral Adama: “You say this stuff grows around here?”

7. Admiral Cain gets a bullet to the face

From Wiki Frakr:

Helena Cain (known to most as “psycho bitch”). She is the ill-tempered, hypocritical, toaster-banging admiral of the Beast. She is a fan of mid-afternoon snacks, harassing new officers, and doing her best to be on the receiving end of the Adama Glare. She did well at frakking up everything and everyone, at least until she got the receiving end of Gina’s buckshot.

Yeah, she’s not a nice lady. The torturing of her Cylon girlfriend, Gina came back to bite her in the ass though. After the destruction of the Resurrection Ship, Cain retires to her quarters only to have her beaten and raped ex-lover shoot her right in between the eyes. Ding-dong, the Witch is dead! Which old witch? The Wicked Witch!

6. Boomer Busts a Cap

“Oh teh noes! I R NOT A CYLONZ!”

Sharon Valerii isn’t exactly the strongest of characters so it was pretty obvious that she would freak the frak out at discovering that she is a Cylon sleeper agent. During her mission debriefing in the CIC, Sharon’s subroutine is activated (KILLSHIT.EXE) and she shoots Adama twice in the chest. What’s awesome about this? Adama lives… and he’s pissed.

5. Jammer has a date with a launch tube

Jammer is a worthless pussy of a knuckle-dragger who thought that collaborating with the enemy would have benefited his fellow citizens. He joined the New Caprican Police thinking he would be keeping the Cylons out of the street (and getting all the free pie he could eat), only to end up being an extension of their forces.

After the Second Exodus, he was considered a traitor and was flushed out the launch tubes into the cold vacuum of space where he is now a Freezy-Pop.

He never got that pie, either.

4. Admiral Cain pisses off Adama

Ooo, bad call lady. You pissed off Commander William “I’ll crush your nuts” Adama. In a really messed up turn of events, Sharon gets a visit from Lt. Thorne who’s method of interogating Cylon prisoners involves dropping his pants. Chief and Helo intervene and accidentally kill Thorne.

Cain sentences them to immediate execution and Adama is not pleased. Too far out of reach to initiate the Adama Glare, he launches Galactica’s Vipers as well as one Raptor. The result is a stand off between Pegasus and Galactica and the mid-season 2 cliffhanger (that happens a lot on this show).

3. Battle on the Asteroid

From Wiki Frakr:

Hard Six has several meanings!

• “Sometimes you have to roll a hard six” … this is something William Adama says when the chips are down, times are hard, and the only option is to first glare and then do something desperate, ruthless, or possibly futile. You don’t get to be an Admiral without making the tough decisions (right Cain?) ^[1].

• “Hard Six” may possibly refer to a Number Six in her overseer role - hot black leather, chains, whips and dips … that Baltar scumbag is a lucky man.

• “Rub a hard six” appears to be the Wiki Frakr term for “Random Article” … it’s also what I like to do in the privacy of my bedroom after a long hard day. It helps me sleep, and despite popular belief^[1], does not make you blind.^[1]

The term first appeared in the episode “The Hand Of God” in which the fleet discovers an asteroid ripe with Tilium fuel… and the Cylons are crawling all over it. Adama decides that this the perfect oppurtunity to hit the Cylons right where it hurts and, with the help of Starbuck, plans an op kick their ass in one end and out the other.

Unfortunately, Starbuck’s leg is still injured from her run in with a Cylon Raider so the fate of the fleet is now in the hands of the other ace pilot: Lee Adama. Lee pulls off the mission successfully and good times are had by all as he rubs his victory in Starbuck’s face.

2. Fall of the Battlestar Pegasus

Just as I was starting to like Lee as a character, during the one year after New Caprica’s settlement and becoming Pegasus Commander, Lee also becomes complacent and fat. Four months after they leave New Caprica, Adama and his pornostache are trying to shape up his pilots so they can perform a rescue mission for the people they left behind on Cylon Occupied New Caprica. However, all Lee can do is bitch about how hard it is and Adama gets fed up with his son’s shit.

Adama goes back to New Caprica with the crew of Galactica while Lee stays behind to guard the rest of the fleet in case they don’t make it back. Lee has trouble accepting this. During the mission on New Caprica, Pegasus decides to join the fight while leaving his fighters behind to safeguard the fleet. Pegasus arrives to find the Galactica getting the crap beat out of her and Lee ends up saving the day.

Unfortunately, in his efforts to save Galactica, he sacrificed Pegasus. Meaning that Lee once again destroys a ship of great importance. It wasn’t enough that he crashed the Blackbird, he also had to destory the bigger, better Battlestar that had the mini-Viper factory. Way to go, douche bag.

1. The Epic Adama Maneuver

The most kick ass battle in a Sci-Fi setting since the Wrath of Kahn.

After four months of brutality from the Cylons, the Battlestar Galactica finally arrives to rescue the poor stoned people of New Caprica. Not only does Galactica’s imminent arrivial spark a full-blown uprising from the resistance, it also results in one of the coolest and ballsiest moves I’ve seen.

Galactica jumps right into New Caprica’s gravitational pull and, while falling like a rock towards the surface, launches very Viper aboard the ship and then jumps away less than a mile above the surface with a sound barrier breaking clap.

Fraking. Awesome.

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Super Smash Bros. was originally released for the N64. I gave it a try as a rental when my mom and her husband first started dating and I was instantly hooked. One of the things that intrigued me about the game was its simplicity.

The game didn’t require a series of complex button combinations to pull off a special move; No holding down three buttons and twirling the control stick in a clockwise 360 while patting your head and rubbing your tummy. There were only two buttons to worry about when it came to attacking. A and B. A controls your standard attacks and B controls your special moves. The different moves you could pull off depended on which direction you held the analog stick while pressing one of the buttons and it was easy to get into. The only other two buttons you needed to worry about were the L and R triggers (for blocking and dodging) and the Z button (for grabbing).

Another element that separated Smash Bros. from other fighting games was the lack of a health bar. The goal of the game was not to reduce your opponent’s health, but to build up their damage so you could knock them out of the arena. The health bar was replaced by a damage indicator. The more damage your received, the farther your enemy’s attacks would send you. Once you were around 100% damage, you could be sent flying off the screen to your doom.

The game has received two sequels since, the latest being Brawl for the Nintendo Wii. The game was announced back in 2006 and was finally released in spring of 2008 to the anticipation of many Nintendo fanboys (including myself). Tonight, I present to you a list of my top ten favorite characters in the latest installment.

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10. Marth

SERIES: Fire Emblem

I had no idea what the hell Fire Emblem was until Marth was included in Melee, but that’s partly because the series was a Japan exclusive until about five years ago (after Marth’s popularity in Melee, of course). I’ve done some amazing things with Marth, but he’s number ten on the list because I really don’t play him as much as I should. He’s pretty quick and the tip of his sword does the most damage in an attack. Thought part of the reason I don’t play him often is because I haven’t quite nailed the art of the “sweet spot.” (that sounds so wrong)

Marth is limited to his sword in combat and doesn’t have any kind of projectile so he’s a close quarters fighter. His speed gives him an advantage in that aspect allowing you to chase your opponents down and get up in their face. On the receiving end, the tip of that sword hurts and anybody who knows how to play as him can potentially ruin your day. My favorite costume (palette swap) is the red and black. Makes him all evil looking.

9. Falco

SERIES: Star Fox

Fox McCloud’s wingman returns in Brawl and is twice as bad-ass. Falco is basically Fox for those who hate playing as Fox (like me). His laser pistol actually stuns enemies and he just seems a lot easier to use. A lot of his moves have been altered to help make him a little more unique and less like a clone of his partner character.

Falco was always my favorite character in the Star Fox games. Unlike the total boyscout that is Fox, he’s always had this Ace Pilot “I am so cooler than you” attitude and this crosses over into Brawl. Falco is a good way to counter a Fox veteran, like my brother. He knows that if he picks Fox, I’m gonna pick Falco. *Mwahaha!*

8. Ike

SERIES: Fire Emblem

Ike is from the Gamecube and Wii games that made it to the US. He’s a lot slower than Marth, but what he lacks in speed he makes up for in power. That big-ass sword of his will send you flying even before your damage reaches 100%.

Ike has a reputation among Brawl players for being incredibly cheap. His slow attacks make him an easy target in the hands of a n00b, but in the hands of a pro, you’re in for a world of hurt. If you’re a light weight character or, Gods forbid, Jigglypuff, you’re pretty much screwed.

I used to suck as Ike but I’ve gotten a lot better with him. Some find it a bit irritating. *hehe*

7. Pit

SERIES: Kid Icarus

The hero of Kid Icarus for the NES returns in his first game appearance in years. Is he an awesome character? You bet your ass. Pit is a lot like Link in that he has an assortment of different weapons at his disposal. That’s part of the reason I like him. His primary attacks aren’t all that powerful but he’s quick and he can wrack up damage easily. At a distance, he’s a cheap little bastard. If he isn’t pelting the crap out of you with arrows, he’s using that damn shield against everything you throw at him. He also has the best recover in the game but that’s to be expected when you have wings.

It’s good to see Pit make a comeback and, word on the street is Nintendo is working on a new Kid Icarus game for Wii. Hell yes.

6. Peach

SERIES: Super Mario Bros.

You’d think someone armed with a tennis racket, a golf club, a frying pan and an endless supply of throwable turnips would be able to avoid getting kidnapped all the time. Her mid-air jump may have been nerfed but the Princess kicks more ass than ever in Brawl. It’s nice to see Peach take a break from the damsel in distress role and join the fight. This usually has hilarious results with her beating the crap out of Mario or Bowser. Plus, nothing is more humiliating than getting your ass handed to you by the one who always seemed to be in another castle (well, until stage 8).

Peach’s primary attacks consist of bitch smacking (to let you know which of you is the real bitch) and whacking you with the items mentioned in the first sentence. The turnips are especially annoying. Every once in awhile, she’ll pull out a turnip that does hella-damage and she’ll even whip out a bob-omb every once in awhile (although that occurs very rarely). She also has the most annoying taunt in the world.

She also comes in a variety of different flavors: Tangerine Peach (Orange Daisy outfit), Cherry Peach (Red), Key Lime Peach (Green), Blue Raspberry Peach (DURRR Blue) and Snow Peach (white).

BEWARE THE WRATH OF THE PRINCESS!!!

SERIES: The Legend of Zelda

Speaking of kick ass Princesses, Zelda is as just as awesome if not more so. Unlike in Melee, Zelda is actually pretty useful this time around. Gone are the days in which players would exclusively use Sheik and avoid Zelda at all costs.

Zelda is no longer anywhere near as weak as she was when she made her debut in the last game. Her move-set is almost exactly the same but their damage and effect have been tweaked considerably. Players will now find themselves alternating between Zelda and her alter-ego depending on the circumstances of the fight. Again, it’s amazing she ever gets kidnapped by Ganon.

I always wondered if Nintendo would ever create a game that revolved around Zelda obtaining the Triforce of Power and becoming corrupt as a result. Although, if they ever did go through with that, they’d just make it so that Ganon was the one pulling the strings all along…

4. Pikachu

SERIES: Pokemon

I CHOOSE YOU, PIKACHU!

Yes, the little electric mouse Pokemon is my fourth favorite character in the game. This little guy OWNS. His electric attacks do massive amounts of damage and he’s a quick little bugger to boot. I call him “The Chu.” If my top three fail me, you must answer to THE CHU!

Pikachu is probably the most recognized and popular Pokemon ever. I’ve never really been into Pokemon but that’s not gonna stop me from using a cute little yellow rodent to beat the crap out of you with. He’s a bit of a light weight so he’s easy to knock around, but his speed and power more than make up for it.

3. It’s-a Me! Mario

SERIES: Do I even need to tell you?

A Smash Bros. game without Mario would be like a Street Fighter game without Ryu. And in a game that features Nintendo’s most beloved characters, Mario had damn well better be at the top of the list.

Mario plays much like he has in the past few games, the only difference is that two of his moves have been swapped. His Down Special is now his standard Down Mid-Air attack and his DS has been replaced with the FLUDD device he used in Super Mario Sunshine (which is almost completely useless). Still, he’s one of the best characters in the game.

2. Link

SERIES: The Legend of Zelda

The Hero of Hyrule and still one of my best characters since the original game. Some of his moves have been nerfed and he’s not quite as efficient as he was in Melee, but he still controls well. Link will always be among my favorites and has been since the days of the Golden Cartridge on the NES.

Link, in addition to his sword and shield, has various weapons to use; all of which are taken from games in the series (the Link in Brawl is modeled after the Link in Twilight Princess). The two moves that have been nerfed since are the spin attack and, to a lesser extent, his bombs. The spin attack needs to be charged up to have full effect and the bombs don’t have quite as much knock-back.

I’ll still kick your ass with him though.

1. Kirby

SERIES: Kirby (durr)

There is one who is far more powerful than any Italian Plumber or Skilled Swordsman; A force so powerful, it cannot be contained…

That force… is Kirby.

Ever since Kirby’s Adventure for the NES, Kirby has had the ability to swallow his enemies and copy their special abilities to aid him in his quests. In Smash Bros. Kirby can copy one of his opponent’s special moves to even the playing field. Captain Falcon giving you crap? Give him a taste of his own Falcon Punch! Mario being a dick? Use his own fireballs against him.

One of the interesting things about Kirby is that nobody seems to really know what he is. Some think he’s a marshmallow of some kind… or a pillow. Whatever he is, he’s a star-warrior sent to protect the citizens of Dreamland. Or something like that.

But all you really need to know is that he’s a cute little puff ball who will, literally, eat you up and spit you out.

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Today, I’m gonna do the AVGN thing and take you back to the past to play the shitty games that suck ass. I feel I have pretty good taste and judgment when it comes to games most of the time, but there has been the occasional bad investment. Plus there were also my younger years when I was naive and I pestered the hell out of my dad to rent such-and-such game because it was based on Kick Ass Action Movie That I Watched To Death… only to discover that it was horrible and made your eyes bleed.

Onto the Top Ten Crappiest Games I’ve Played

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10. Okami for Wii

Before you flame the hell out of me, let me first say that I LOVE Okami and I can’t stress that enough. It as a beautifully artistic and well crafted game and the Wii version is still, despite it’s sometimes frustrating flaws, a good game. But the fact remains that the some of the controls are fucking broken.

When Okami was released for the PS2 and everyone got to play with the “Celestial Brush” mechanic, the first question that popped to mind was “Why wasn’t this game released for the Wii?” Two years later, we finally get a port but Ready At Dawn apparently didn’t bother to test the controls for the two key aspects of the game: the celestial brush and the combat.

In the Wii version, the Celestial Brush is wonky. The IR is way too sensitive causing the brush to jitter slightly even when your hand is rock-steady. This is especially frustrating when your trying to draw a straight line; something you do a lot in this game. In addition to that, the combat controls are also motion based. Not really a bad thing in and of itself, but you’ll be surprised to know that waggling the controller results in absolutely nothing. Waggle (the Wii equivalent of button mashing) results in nothing but death and you now have to time your swings to get consecutive hits and perform combos. So you basically flick your wrist like a conductor’s wand (and this is different from waggle how exactly?). Unfortunately, I didn’t catch on to this until a quarter of the way through the game…

Don’t get me wrong: Okami for the Wii is still a good game but if you don’t want to battle the controls, then you’re probably better off getting the PS2 version. Although, if you’re looking for a reason to legitimize the use of those rubber jackets that come packaged with Wii Remotes these days, this is the game you’re looking for (that you way you won’t damage your tv when you fling the remote in frustration). Still, it’s a good game. That said, it’s all down hill from here…

9. Parasite Eve for PSOne

Let me start by saying this: I hate Japanese RPGs. Or at least I started hating them when all the protagonists started wielding swords twice their size and began to dump their heads into buckets of lead based paint. So when I heard that there was this decent JRPG that took place in modern day New York and had a Sci-Fi theme, I thought I would give it a whirl. That was a bad idea…

The game is pretty linear unlike most RPGs and the combat is similar to that of Final Fantasy, except you control a single player and you’re allowed the freedom to move around the environment when fighting. The game’s story runs at an incredibly slow pace and the flashy CG cutscenes can go fuck themselves. My main beef with Eve is that it doesn’t know what kind of game it wants to be (is it an RPG or an Adventure game) and the pre-rendered backgrounds and fixed camera angles make it come off as nothing more than a clone of Resident Evil. Oh, and once you beat it, there is absolutely no reason to go back and play it again.

Total. Waste.

8. Myst

Contrary to what it’s fan base would like you to believe, Myst’s problem isn’t that it’s a point-and-click adventure game. It’s problem is that it’s the most boring point-and-click adventure game ever conceived. There are no other characters to interact with, none of the witty dialog or style of the LucasArts adventure games of the time; It’s just you, a deserted island and a series of logic puzzles which really adhere more to the developer’s logic than the player’s.

The last time I saw a copy of the original Myst was in the office of our computer administrator at work. I don’t think he’s ever even played it.

7. Guilty Gear Isuka

I had heard nothing but good things about the Guilty Gear series of 2D fighting games so, last year, I decided it was time to check it out. Unfortunately I bought the wrong game in the series…

Turns out Guilty Gear Isuka is a bit of a different take on the series and the developers tried to turn it into a four player brawl fest similar to Super Smash Bros. This introduced a few quirky things to the series, like having to press one of the shoulder buttons to turn your character if your opponent is behind you. Oh, and you needed a multi-tap to be able to play with two additional people.

The first time I played this game was with a couple of friends who used to live in the apartment complex I currently occupy. We ended up digging up my old Sega Dreamcast from my closet and spent the rest of the evening playing Soul Calibur and Marvel VS Capcom 2.

I don’t think I’ve even touched the game since.

6. Vampire Hunter D

Another case of my judgment getting the better of me. I liked the anime, chances are I would like the game, right? Wrong.

First thing to note is that the game is a loose adaptation of the film, which itself is a loose adaptation of the book. You’d think that a game about Dracula’s Vampire Hunting, Half Human son would be hard to fuck up (ask Konami) but somehow, Jaleco managed to do it. Rather than try to capture any essence of the film, the developers decided it would be a good idea to make a Resident Evil clone with piss-poor gameplay and confusing level design. And what RE clone would be complete without ear damaging voice overs?

I think I actually used this game as a coaster at one point.

No joke.

5. Enter The Matrix

I don’t know how it happened, but this game actually manages to be worse than the sequels to the original movie. The game follows the stories of Ghost and Niobe and takes place parallel to the events of the second movie. Unfortunately, playing as these two characters is the equivalent of playing a Justice League game where your only two options are Wonder Woman and Aquaman. It certainly doesn’t help that the combat is ridiculously easy and the driving scenes will make you want to slash your wrists open.

Why, oh why didn’t I take the blue pill?

4. Blaster Master 2

The original Blaster Master was a decent game for it’s time. It was released late in the NES life cycle and was a bit challenging, but it was still pretty fun. Two years later, a sequel to the original game was released for the Sega Genesis by a company called Software Creations, under the license of Sunsoft, the developers of the original.

The game sucked. The developers tried their hardest to emulate the first game but it just didn’t work out. The game comes off as more of a knock-off than a sequel and I still have the awful taste in my mouth to this day.

3. The Terminator for Sega Genesis

The Terminator was one of my favorite Sci-Fi franchises as a kid so when I saw that a game of the first film was on Genesis, I bugged the hell out of my dad for us to rent it. This was the second time I had made such a mistake and, for me, enforced the belief that any game based on a film was utter shit.

The game starts you off as Kyle Reese in the FUTURE and the first level is of you trying to destroy an HK factory and then escape in time to make it to the Time Travel doohickey so he can go back to the past (though not to play the shitty games that suck ass) and cause some kind of paradox by sleeping with his Leader’s mom (if you’ve seen the movies, you know the story).

The first problem occurs when you realize the only thing Kyle has is an endless supply of grenades to throw at the endless onslaught of machines, continuing the fucked up trend established in the Angry Video Game Nerd’s reviews of giving the player a weapon THAT ARCS OVER YOUR ENEMIES. You gain better weapons as the game progresses, but still.

The game follows loosely the events of the film and, by the time you get to the police station, you’ll start to notice just how lazy the developers were with this game. The backgrounds of the game consist of a single image that scrolls and repeats itself as the player progresses through the level. Not unusual until you realize that the game based on Terminator takes place in some alternate dimension where Earth has five moons.

2. Total Recall for the NES

Remember the movie Total Recall? Remember the scene in the movie where Arnold gets jumped in an alleyway by midgets in pink jump suits? That’s because it wasn’t in the movie. But it was in the game for some odd reason.

Much like Terminator, the game loosely follows the events of the movie but throws in a bunch of unnecessary bullshit and doesn’t even try to be fun. The difficulty is frustrating to the point that you want eat your NES controller and it’s damn near impossible to get through this game all the way to the end without the use of a Game Genie.

I won’t be back…

1. E.T. for the Atari 2600

There isn’t anything that can be said about this game that hasn’t already been said… I’m sure most of you are aware of this game’s legacy (from the constantly reduced price to the landfill in New Mexico), but for me, this is personal. I actually owned a copy of this game.

I would love nothing more than to put behind me the memory of falling into pits and collecting dots that I think were supposed to represent Reese’s Pieces, but this game will remained etched into my mind for the rest of my life.

*shudders*

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Join me for next week’s Top Ten in which I talk about my favorite characters in the latest Super Smash Bros. I’ve been meaning to do an article on Brawl for awhile now and I’ve been on a bit of a binge lately.

Also, I’m sorry for what you’re about to see but I simply have to post this video. My brother has become obsessed with internet fads all of a sudden. As such, I saw this video earlier and I have to share it (damnit, Nick, look what you’ve done).

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Everybody has one of those days. Y’know what kind of day I’m talking about: That kind of day where just about everything that can go wrong goes wrong. Maybe some dip-shit cut you off on your way to work causing you to spill your coffee all over your jeans which resulted in you losing control of your vehicle and then you crashed into an already burning orphanage.

Ok, so maybe that’s a little extreme but still. The point is that everyday life comes with it’s fair share of frustrations and that sometimes, those frustrations can become stressful and people need a way of venting. That said, different people have different ways of dealing with stress and most of the time, that outlet comes in the form of a hobby.

Of course, this is a Gamer’s blog so people already know what my outlet is. Video games provide a form of escapism that has the potential to surpass even movies because of it’s interactive nature. However, there are times when escapism isn’t what you’re looking for and you just want to beat the ever loving shit out of something.

Today’s Top Ten is a list of games I recommend for blowing off steam. I work in customer service so trust me when I say that I play these games a lot.

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10. Geometry Wars: Galaxies

The game is a homage to retro arcade shooters so there are only two rules to keep in mind: Shoot everything and don’t die. You control a little yellow ship in a massive grid and shoot a never ending onslaught of geometric shapes all out to kill you. That’s it. What did you expect? It’s a shooter and that’s exactly what makes this game so good in the first place.

Galaxies greatly expands upon the original game by adding 64 levels and three different multiplayer modes, providing endless hours of shoot everything in sight goodness. There is plenty of variety in the different levels and some are in direct homage to the classic arcade shooters of the 80’s (my favorite is the Asteroids grid). Sure, the game can get insanely difficult but that’s the whole thrill of it. You know you’re eventually going to lose. It’s all a matter of how long you can hold out before reaching the last life.

9. Golden Axe II

The Genesis sequel to the original Golden Axe and a member of the good old Beat Em’ Up genre. Unlike other games in the genre, Golden Axe takes place in a Fantasy setting obviously inspired by Robert E. Howard’s Conan the Barbarian. The game follows three heroes; the Barbarian (duh), the Amazon and the Dwarf in their quest to rid the land of some Tyrant wielding some mystic weapon very creatively named the Golden Axe. But the story’s not important. You get to kill people with a sword… or an axe if you’re the dwarf.

Golden Axe II is basically a repeat of the first game but with a few gameplay tweaks. The combat is a lot smoother so the game isn’t quite as difficult as the first. Still, there are some gamers that might find this game a little frustrating in the later levels. Most of the enemies in the game are new and instead of kicking elves for potions to power your magic meter, you now kill wizards and collect their spell books.

8. Resident Evil 4: Wii Edition

The most action oriented game in the series so it makes sense that it would get a spot on the list. The game follows Leon Kennedy, one of the survivors of Resident Evil 2, in Spain by order of the United States government to find the President’s missing daughter. It’s not clear what any of this has to do with the series (other than the appearances of a few key characters) but hopefully this will be resolved in Resident Evil 5.

The Wii Edition really is the ideal version of the game. Aiming is much easier thanks to the IR. It lowers the difficulty a bit but the game is still challenging in areas, especially upon your first play through.

The real fun comes, however, after you’ve beaten the game and can replay from the beginning with all of your previous game’s equipment. The game becomes a kill everything in sight cakewalk at this point. Nothing brightens your day quite like shooting someone in the face and watching their head explode in a shower of blood, brain matter and skull fragments.

7. Shadow of the Colossus

I could go on and on about how incredibly fucking awesome this game is, but let’s focus on it’s place in the list because it’s not for the reasons you think.

Colossus is the tale of young warrior named Wander and his quest to the Forbidden Land to ask the ancient God, Dormin to resurrect his deceased lover. Dormin informs him that she can be brought back but Wander must first perform a task: travel throughout the Forbidden Land and destroy the 16 Colossi. Dormin also warns him that doing this will come at a cost but he accepts anyway.

The Forbidden Land is a pretty desolate place. There are no people, no villages and no evil creatures running amok. It’s just you, your horse, the Colossi and the vast world around you. As barren as the place is, it remains one of the most realistic and captivating environments I’ve seen in a game. After each climactic and cleverly designed Colossus battle, you’ll travel across vast deserts with ancient ruins, deep forests with waterfalls, abandoned cities, dried up lakes, not-so dried up lakes and large canyons with rivers running through them. It’s the amazing the amount detail that went into this game.

When searching for a Colossus, I’d sometimes wonder off path just to see how far I could go and how far the developers had gone. Sometimes I would get lost though and end up somewhere else entirely, but it never frustrated me because the screen was filled without so much fucking eye candy. Sometimes it’s good to pop this game in once in awhile just to enjoy the scenery, especially if you can’t afford a vacation to New Zealand.

6. Painkiller

Yes, there is indeed a gun in this game that shoots shurikens and lightning. I bought this game out of a two for one deal on Steam one day expecting some kind of story drenched FPS/Survival Horror hybrid. I was right in the story regard but what this game all about is shooting shit. You go into it under the impression it’s going to be creepy and most of the environments are… but it’s hard to be intimidated when you’re armed to teeth and you’ve got heavy metal blaring in the background while you dismember hordes of enemies.

In addition to the Shuriken/Lightning gun, you also obtain a chain-gun/RPG launcher combo. It’s like the developers looked at the two weapons and said “Fuck it, let’s duct tape these bitches together.” For more on Painkiller, click here.

5. Doom II

It was released almost 14 years ago and it’s still fun to play. Doom II saw our marine hero fighting the demons of Hell on Earth but nobody gives a shit because it’s just an excuse to run around shooting shit with a double barrel shotgun. It’s essentially the same game as Doom but with different levels, some new enemies and one new weapon (the double barrel shotgun). Still it’s perfect for venting your anger.

4. Streets of Rage 2

Screw Final Fight. I’ve always preferred Streets of Rage. The arcade Final Fight was awesome but it’s ports were kinda crap (except the Sega CD version). I didn’t care much for the sequels either.

Streets of Rage 2 was the best of the console Beat ‘Em up genre as well as the best in the series. The game let you choose from four different characters: Some Dude, Hot Chick, Skate Dude and Big Dumb Slow Guy (aka Axel, Blaze, Skate and Max). The game involves the four characters trying to stop a crime boss called Mr. X and bring peace back to the streets the city. Oh, and beat the living shit out of everyone that gets in your way. Just try to imagine that they’re that annoying chick on her cell phone at the movies or the guy who screwed up your order at Taco Bell.

3. God of War II

This game almost didn’t make the list but I smacked myself for not doing so in the first place. The original God of War was one of the most epic action games I had ever played. When I heard a sequel was in development (which I knew was inevitable), I couldn’t imagine how they could possibly top the first game or if they even could.

But, somehow, they did.

Loosely based on Greek mythology, God of War follows the exploits of the Spartan warrior, Kratos. Once a general of Sparta, Kratos gave his life to Ares in the face of a losing battle in exchange for victory. Bestowed with the Blades of Ares, Kratos does his bidding until the God of war tricks him into killing his wife and only daughter. Turning his back on Ares, he seeks salvation and atonement in Athena and the Gods of Olympus who trying to stop Ares. At the end of the game, Kratos defeats Ares and takes his place among Olympus as the new God of War.

The sequel continues where the first game left off. Despite being granted the status of a God by Athena, the Olympians aren’t exactly accepting of Kratos. Kratos, still plagued by the memories of his past, basically tells the Gods to get bent and instructs the warriors of Sparta to wage war on Greece. Taking matters into his own hands, Zeus tricks Kratos into giving up his Godly powers and impales him on the blade of Olympus. But Kratos’ journey is just beginning…

As his soul is being delivered to Hades, he is saved by Gaia, the mother of the Titans, and is given a second chance at life. Upon his return to the surface, Gaia informs him that in order to destroy Zeus, he must visit the Sisters of Fate.

I could talk about how violent, brutal and epic this game is but I think this video doesn’t more justice (even if it is a bit outdated)…

2. Super Smash Bros. Brawl

… It’s an easy to pick up fighting game that supports four players and you beat the crap out of each other as Nintendo characters. What is there to not love? It’s the perfect competitive party game next to Poker. Nothing like playing this with a bunch of friends over and getting drunk. Good times…

1. Tetris

Ah, nothing like booting up a good old game of Tetris. Alright, this is pretty easy. 20 lines doing good. I could play this game with my eyes clo- Oh shit! I didn’t mean to put that there! Damnit! It’s ok, I can fix it. Crap, they’re starting to fall faster. Shit… shit! No no no no damnit! FUCK!

I hate this game…

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Dracula X Chronicles for the PSP has gotten me on this huge Castlevania kick. After playing what must be my 20th play through of Symphony, I started pull out some of the older games in the series. For this week’s Top Ten Tuesday, I will be listing my favorite all time Castlevania games.

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10. Castlevania: The original and still one of the best games ever made. Sure, it lacks the polish of the later games and it gets insanely difficult the further you progress, but this game is classic.

The original Castlevania introduced many Nintendo players to the quest of Simon Belmont to destroy Count Dracula and anything that stands in his way. Players led Simon through six stages of Dracula’s castle whipping the shit out of skeletons, zombies, flying gorgon heads and ghosts while avoiding the many hazards and traps throughout each level. Despite some frustrating gameplay elements (which are addressed in later installments) the game stands the test of time pretty well and is still fun to take the occasional romp through.

9. Castlevania III: Dracula’s Curse: The second game in the series wasn’t necessarily bad but it was a pretty big departure from the first title. Dracula’s Curse goes back to the series’ action-oriented roots but with some new game play elements to spice things up.

The game takes place about 200 years before the original game and places you in the roll of Trevor Belmont who is on a quest to destroy Dracula and blah blah blah… However, the Belmont isn’t the only playable character this time around. The first notable change is after you beat the first level. Instead of moving on to th next stage, you’re given a choice. There are several branch points after many of the levels and, depending on your choices, will lead you to one of three spirit companions to aid you in Trevor’s quest which adds a good amount of replayability to the game. Of the three original NES games, this one is the best.

8. Castlevania: Harmony of Dissonance: The second CV game released for the Gameboy Advance. I didn’t care for Circle of the Moon so I was a little reluctant to get Harmony. After reading some reviews, I decided I’d give it a whirl and I’m glad I did.

This time around, you’re Juste Belmont, Simon’s grandson. Juiced Juste and his buddy Maxim head to Dracula’s castle to find their kidnapped friend, Lydie. When they get there, Juste begins to notice that Maxim is behaving odd and that his recent disappearance may be tied to Count Dracula.

The game emulates Symphony very well but that’s also something of a complaint among most fans. There is very little introduced here but it holds a special place with me. The graphics are much better than Circle of the Moon but the sound has taken a hit as a result. The sound effects are fine but the music is barely above NES quality. Personally, I don’t see that as a bad thing and I feel it adds a bit of an old-school nostalgia factor to the overall experience.

7. Castlevania: Dawn of Sorrow: The sequel to Aria of Sorrow and the first Castlevania title for the DS. Aria was the last of the GBA games and revolved around a young man named Soma Cruz.

A year passes after Soma has escaped from Castlevania. Life continues as normal, until a cult member named Celia challenges Soma. Much like the dark priest Shaft, she wishes to resurrect Dracula, but cannot with Soma being in possession of lord vampire’s soul. Soma once again teams up with Julius Belmont, Yoko Belnades and Genya Arikado to invade’s Celia’s fortress and stop her underlings, both of whom are also candidates for the next resurrection of Dracula.

One of the cool things about Soma is his ability to use a variety of different weapons much like Alucard in Symphony, where else the Belmonts are limited to the Vampire Killer whip. The game reintroduces the unique soul-steal element first introduced in Aria and collected souls can now be used to upgrade your weapons. Dawn is also the only DS game, so far, that utilizes the touch pad. One of the games new mechanics requires you draw seals in order to finish bosses. It adds to intensity of the battles but they’re still pretty easy compared to some of the other games.

6. Castlevania Chronicles: Chronicles is the PSOne port of a CV game that was released on the X68000 computer in Japan. Castlevania Chronicles comes with the original version of the game and an “arrange mode” with slightly updated visuals and a remastered soundtrack.

The game is essentially a retelling of the original Castlevania. Simon Belmont has come to Dracula’s Castle, you know the drill by now. The real reason to buy this game is for the remake. The difficulty is much more balanced and the music is much more epic in scale. It’s a good revision of the original game but not the best, in my opinion. We’ll get to that one shortly.

5. Castlevania: Bloodlines: The only title in the series for the Sega Genesis and one of two games that attempt to tie the series in with Bram Stoker’s mythology. The game centers around two playable characters; John Morris (son of Quincey Morris) and his childhood friend, Eric Lecarde.

According to Bloodlines, the Morris’ are distant relatives to the Belmonts and, as such are capable of wielding the fabled Vampire Killer whip (which I’m guessing also has to do with Quincey helping Jonathan Harker kill Dracula). Years after the events in Bram Stoker’s novel, Dracula is resurrected once again with the aid of a revived Elizabeth Bartley and it is up to John and Eric. Oddly, it’s never explained how John gets the whip or why there isn’t a Belmont around.

The game is your standard action platformer like most CV titles at the time but one of the things that sets it apart is the option to select two different characters. John Morris operates the same as any other Belmont and Eric Lecarde spices things up a bit by wielding a spear. Both characters play slightly different from each other and have a unique move that causes their paths diverge in a few stages opening new areas.

The first level has you starting in Dracula’s castle but eventually you find yourself traveling to various locations throughout Europe, such as the Leaning Tower of Pisa and the fountain at the Palace of Versailles. Something else to note is the use of gems as currency for your sub weapons. Unlike the hearts, this actually makes a little more sense.

4. Castlevania Dracula X: Rondo of Blood: The wait has been long but the payoff is great. Dracula X is definitely one of the greatest entries in the series. The game centers around Richter Belmont and acts as a prequel to Symphony. For my impressions on the game, see Bite-Sized Story Time Vol. 4.

3. Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin: The second game for the DS and the best game since Symphony of the Night. Portrait is a direct sequel to Bloodlines and attempts to fill in a few gaps in the series’ continuity.

World War II is drawing to an end, but many have still perished. Much like in Bloodlines, the evil Count Brauner has used the souls of the departed to resurrect Dracula’s castle. Jonathan Morris, the son of John Morris, as well as his friend Charlotte, has ventured into the castle to take him down, and fight his soulless vampiric daughters. Here, we learned that John Morris perished after the events of the previous game, since the Morris bloodline is unable to wield the Vampire Killer whip as the Belmonts can. Only by defeating the soul of Richter Belmont can the Morris bloodline unlock the power of the long treasured whip.

Portrait follows the traditional Metroidvania type of game play that beens used in all recent entries of the series but adds a few twists. For starters, you can switch between the two characters which comes in handy depending on what you’re up against. Jonathan is able to attack his various weapons while Charlottes on magic and her spell books. You can also summon the other character for back up although they controlled by a simple AI.

Scattered throughout the castle are paintings that lead to other levels in the game and each painting has a different theme which adds a little more variation to the game. It also helps that the level design is easily ten times better than Dawn of Sorrow. If you’re only going to get one Castlevania game for the DS, get Portrait.

2. Super Castlevania IV: Yet another retelling of the original Castlevania, this time on the SNES and promoting the ridiculous trend of putting Super in front of the title of damn near every game released for the console. Of the different variations of Simon’s journey, this one is my personal favorite as well as my top pic for the best of the more traditional titles in the series.

While it doesn’t sport any of the branching paths or multiple playable characters that some of the others did, it was the best in terms of graphics of game play. Simon can now swing his whip all eight directions and he controls somewhat better than he used to. Rather than simply starting you off at Dracula’s doorstep, the first half of the game has Simon traversing the Romanian country side which adds a bit more scenery to the mix. And then there is the soundtrack. For a game running off of the SNES sound chip MIDI, the soundtrack is very atmospheric. This is a must play for all fans of the series.

1. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night: The best game in the series and the sequel to Rondo of Blood. I didn’t like the idea of not playing as a Belmont at first and I wasn’t sure if the whole Metroid style of game play would really fit… Oh, who am I kidding? This game is made of pure awesome.

Set five years after the events of Dracula X, Richter Belmont has come under control of the dark priest Shaft (he’s a bad mutha), who plans on using Richter to resurrect count Dracula for his own purposes. Sensing this shift in the balance of power, Alucard, Dracula’s son who had aided Trevor in defeating him centuries before, awakens from his eternal slumber to confront the count himself…

This game is the standard to which all other games are held. The story is excellent, the levels are beautiful and well designed and the soundtrack is amazing. The various items and weapons you’ll collect in the game all have unique properties that set them apart and the enemy variety is easily several pages long. At the time of the games release, there really wasn’t anything else like it which may explain why none of the games have lived up to the sort of wow factor that Symphony provided. The game is extremely easy to get a hold of these days. It comes bundled with Dracula X Chronicles and it’s available for purchase on PS3’s and 360’s online services so I definitely recommend checking this game out even if you aren’t into Castlevania.

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One of the not so fondly remembered games in the series is Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest for the NES. It’s not the game was bad, it was just incredibly frustrating and as a result, I only ever played through it once. I think this entry has gone on long enough so I’ll allow the Angry Video Game Nerd to sound off on this one for me.

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