So, if the lack of updates and title of this post haven’t clued you in by now, I’ve been enjoying the hell out of my new toy. It started out as an addiction to Soul Calibur IV but once I got my new debit card, I soon discovered the joys of the Xbox Live Marketplace. I’ve since purchased Galaga Legions, Geometry Wars 2, Bionic Commando: Rearmed, Castle Crashes and a shit load of demos. Though most of my free time has been spent with Crashers and Rearmed.

I’ll post mini-reviews of all the games I’ve gotten later, but right now I’m gonna do something I normally wouldn’t. I’ve been tagged by a certain other blogger to list “6 Unspectacular Things about me.” So here you go.

6 Unspectacular things about me!

1. I’m moderately good at video games

Sometimes when playing, my family will watch and comment on my excellent performance without realizing that all I’m doing is mashing the same button over and over again.

2. I make a mean Sammich

Years of being a bachelor has turned the act of making a Sammich into a fine art.

3. I like Drunk Gaming…

…and probably more than I should. Although, from what people online have told me, it doesn’t really effect my performance as much as it does my behavior. “No, the Medic! The Medic! Shoot the fucking Medic!!!”

4. I have two younger siblings

We all get along well but if there is a game of Mario Kart going on, it’s probably not a good idea for all three of us to be in the same room.

5. I’m neither democrat nor republican

I’m pretty middle-of-the-road when it comes to my beliefs. It’s hard to pick a side when all the Right and Left seem capable of is pissing all over my First Amendment rights (mainly Freedom of Speech and Freedom of Expression).

6. I like Nerd Girls

My own personal Kryptonite comes in the form of cute girls with Velma Dinkley glasses whose interests extend beyond shopping/clubbing and love to quote their favorite sci-fi movies/TV shows. Now if I could just convince one of these rare beauties to date me.

I’m supposed to tag someone else but the only other person I know isn’t likely to respond to it so I guess the meme will just have to die a slow death here.

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After much gaming on the 360, I finally came back to Team Fortress 2 last night to check out the new updates for the Heavy. I really like this game but there are a few things about it that irritate me. So for this week’s list…

10 things that piss me off in Team Fortress 2!

10. Scout Rush

When the situation doesn’t look good and there is less than a minute left in the round, you always have that one dipshit who insists that everyone on the team switch to Scout and then acts all pissed when his plea for a Scout Rush goes ignored. I’ve been playing this game for over half a year and I’ve never seen a successful Scout Rush.

9. Level 3 Sentries

Level 1 Sentries are easily dispatched and a Heavy can stand toe-to-toe against a Level 2 in some cases. Level 3 Sentries are a pain in the ass, especially when the opposing team decides it’s a good idea to have 4 Engineers and your team has no spies.

8. The new Heavy update

I’m not going to rant about class unbalances or any shit like that, so this one’s more personal. I used to be one of only handful of Heavies. Before the update, it used to be that I would hardly ever join a server that already had a Heavy on there team. The Heavy was my favorite because of how underused and underestimated he was. Now he’s had a spike in popularity and I’m not so special anymore. *sad face*

Still, I look forward to unlocking some of the new stuff. Unlike some people who seem to think that all these updates are somehow “ruining” the game. Which brings me to my next complaint…

7. Bitching about Free Stuff

Yes, how dare Valve release new content for their game at no cost in order to keep it fresh and entertaining. What the fuck were they thinking?

6. Retarded Engineers

Why the fuck did you put the teleporter exit there of all places and what do you think that Level 3 sentry is going to accomplish tucked away in that corner?

5. Retarded Medics

Dear God, I’m on FIRE! MEDIC! Oh, thank God! Make the hurting sto- Oh… Ok, fine. Ignore me. I guess I’ll just burn to death then.

4. Needless Taunting

Nothing is more satisfying than when your team finally breaks through and you capture the enemy point. Also, nothing ruins that satisfaction quite like a Demoman standing next you while capturing the point and going KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM! KA-BOOM!

3. Message Spamming

Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispe-

SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

2. Complaints about Crit Rockets

I swear… there isn’t a single game in which I here someone yell “Fucking Crit Rockets! That’s bullshit! All that guy fires is Crit Rockets!” Look, if you don’t like how Valve programmed the game then go play something else.

1. Spies

Fuck spies.

FUCK. SPIES.

Enemy spies are assholes. They can turn invisible, stab you in the back and disguise themselves as fellow teammates. They’re the main reason I like playing as Pyro since they contain the best piece of weaponry for weeding spies out among your team.

Spies make me paranoid… Sometimes I’ll fire at thin air thinking that there’s a cloaked spy near by. Then when I think it’s safe, as soon as I let my guard down, BOOM! I’m dead.

Fuck spies.

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Well, I would have had an on time F-Bomb yesterday but it turns out that someone in my apartment complex has been fucking with my cable box… again. I called Time Warner about it but they won’t be sending a someone out to look at it until Monday or Tuesday if I’m lucky.

I may be cut off from the Borg collective at home but, fortunately, I have access to the net at work. Work has been rather slow lately so I should have a new F-Bomb up on Monday, as well as an on-time Top Ten on Tuesday and a review of Soul Calibur IV on Wednesday.

And now for something completely different!

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Another bit from Kotaku, a darker and grittier Mortal Kombat VIII was apparently scrapped in favor of the new Mortal Kombat VS DC Universe.

“At last year’s Midway Gamers Day, Mortal Kombat co-creator and series overlord Ed Boon talked up the then-unnamed eighth entry in the franchise. Boon described Mortal Kombat 8 at the time as “very dark, serious” and “gritty” take on the series, a back to basics reboot that was free of “vibrant, saturated colors.” It was said to be heavily inspired by the look of Gears of War.”

Yes, because if there is anything that games could use more of it’s drab brown post-apocalyptic/World War III settings. Thank God MK8 never made it past the planning phase.

A note to all game developers: Color is your friend!

Seriously, ask Blizzard and then check out Diablo III.

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Mystery blogger fucks up Sony pre-E3 press rehearsal because he’s a dumb shit

Kotaku has reported that a unnamed blogger was reporting on Sony’s E3 press announcements during a rehearsal prior to the event.

“Shrine auditorium security grabbed an overly eager blogger from his third-floor balcony perch during a recent Sony E3 press conference dress rehearsal, SCEA head Jack Tretton said.

Sony was working their way through a dry run of the upcoming Playstation press conference when someone noticed that what they were saying and doing was showing up on an unnamed site.

“Everything we were saying was getting posted within 15 minutes on the Internet,” Tretton said.”

Congratulations, Mr. unnamed Blogger. Instead of waiting a few hours for the official announcements, you leaked early info on absolutely nothing.

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Galaga Legions

And here, we have the first ever footage of the first true sequel to Galaga, Galaga Legions!

Nintendo’s 2008 E3 Developer Roundtable

Nintendo’s E3 press event can pretty much be summed up by this picture…

However, Shigeru Miyamoto (i.e. GOD HIMSELF) has announced that they are working on a new Pikmin title. I, personally, haven’t played any of the Pikmin games myself but it’s nice to hear that they’re making a sequel to one of their most popular franchises.

Still, where’s the new the Mario and Zelda, DAMNIT!?

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Well, the press events for The Big Three were pretty disappointing. Microsoft showed absolutely nothing of interest, Sony’s God of War III announcement was just one big tease and Nintendo finally unveiled… Animal Crossing: City Folk.

That’s it. No new Mario and no new Zelda.

That’s bullshit.

So I guess all there is to look forward to now is the all the third party software being displayed and that’s easily ten times more interesting than anything the Big Three pulled out their asses this week.

On with the trailers!

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Ghostbusters: The Video Game

Who ya gonna call!?

New Prince Of Persia Title

Now with 99% less angst!

Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2

Asteroids on Acid returns!

God Of War III

Stupid teaser…

Animal Crossing: City Folk

Well, at least I know what I’m getting my family for Christmas.

Street Fighter IV

I’m totally digging this art style.

Resident Evil 5

As expected, the real villains in this game are apparently a bunch of white guys.

Sonic Unleashed

I don’t know what’s more bizarre: Sonic as a werewolf or that this game actually looks good.

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Due to E3, I’ll have to postpone my usual schedule to next week. There will MOST DEFINITELY BE a Bite-Sized Story Time as well as a Top Ten Tuesday this coming week and there will also be a post-E3 F-Bomb this Friday.

More E3 updates later.

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So I had this really big update planned yesterday, but my power went out as the result of a thunderstorm and my internet connection wasn’t restored until sometime after midnight.

Expect massive hella-updates today. A lot has happened on the E3 front with still more to come.

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Mirror’s Edge E3 Trailer

There is a new trailer for DICE’s Mirror’s Edge, the awesome looking FPS that almost makes me want to get a PS3.

DO WANT!

Geometry Wars Sequel!

More E3 goodness, Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2 is coming to Xbox Live Arcade August 6th and will support four player co-op play (but not online) plus five additional play modes. It will also contain a Two Player copilot mode where one player moves and the other shoots. Sweet.

id Sofware partners with Electronic Arts

Joystiq reports that id Software (creators of Doom and Quake) have partnered with Electronic Arts. From their post:

“Id Software creator John Carmack just announced at Electronic Arts’ press conference that it has partnered with the publisher. The Quake and Doom creator has long used Activision as a publisher, but we wonder if things got bitter after the travesty that was Quake Wars console ports. Id and EA? What a great … idea?“

See what they did there?

Final Fantasy XIII for PS3 Only in Japan, Both PS3 and 360 in US

With every E3 comes the unveiling of a new Final Fantasy game, though I wish I could say I cared at this point. I’ve been nothing but disappointed with the series since FF8 and I don’t see any reason to go back to it. In a strange move, however, it’s been announced that the latest installment in the series will only be released on the PS3 in Japan, but for both “next gen” consoles in the U.S.

Um… Okay.

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Somewhere between killing an entire baseball team and fighting an African American samurai school girl with a large platinum afro and a Japanese name, I realized that No More Heroes was destined to become an all time favorite. Suda 51 delivered big time with this game giving us an over the top, insane, satirical blood bath of epic proportions that takes a stab at both eastern and western culture. It’s a shame that hardly anyone makes titles like this anymore.

No More Heroes follows the misadventures of Travis Touchdown: a stereotypical otaku loser turned assassin armed with a “beam katana” he purchased on an internet auction. After running out of funds to support his hobby, he accepts a job from the UAA (United Assassins Association) to kill “The Drifter.” Travis becomes rank Eleven after completing his mission and, realizing he is now a target for those ranked lower than him, sets out on mission to become Number One.

Obviously, the story isn’t meant to be taken seriously, but the amount of style and humor that’s been put into this game is exactly what makes the game work so well. The plot is pretty straight forward at first but towards the end of the game, there is a twist so completely WTF that it’s worthy of an M. Night Shyamalan movie (but with no preachy moralizing and crap).

In terms of gameplay, if you’re expecting a vast open ended environment similar to GTA, this isn’t the game for you. There are some minor sandbox elements and your allowed to explore the game world, but there isn’t a whole lot to do aside from the assassination missions, the part-time jobs and the ranked battles. You can customize Travis by buying new apparel at the clothing store, Area 51, and you can build up your strength and techniques at Thunder Ryu’s gym… but the only thing really essential to progressing in the game is earning money to enter next the ranked fight.

Each ranked battle requires that Travis deposit and entry fee to the UAA via ATM. There are numerous part time jobs and side quests (minigames) you can accept for money. You can blow it on stuff like new clothes (as mentioned above), training and wrestling tapes that teach you new moves, but most of this will be spent on working your way through the ranks.

And this is where you get to the core of what No More Heroes is all about: fucking up shit with a light saber. The sandbox elements may be crap, but this is the real reason you want to play this. The combat is much more refined than the other aspects of the game and is greatly satisfying. Heads are decapitated and bodies split while you swing your beam katana around like a mad bastard with unrealistic quantities of blood spraying everywhere.

Fortunately, swinging your sword mainly consists of pressing the A button; a smart choice considering that the combat is the primary focus of No More Heroes and excessive motion controls probably would have killed the game. Thankfully, the motion controls are kept to a minimum. They’re mainly used for Travis’ wrestling moves and delivering the coup de grace with the beam katana, but they’re utilized in some of the part time jobs as well.

One of the things that seperates No More Heroes from most other games in the genre is it’s insanity driven style. The game doesn’t take itself seriously at all and it’s hard not to enjoy its over-the-top sense of humor. For example, the save points in the games are toilets and with every save you’re introduced to a censored scene of Travis taking a shit. Childish and immature, yes, but still funny.

The overall story is a satirical melodrama very reminiscent of Kill Bill and pokes a lot of fun at the usual cliches associated with games and anime. Characters will often go into drawn out monologues before each fight detailing their life story and the revelation toward the end of the game will have you watching the youtube clip repeatedly (you’ll know what I’m talking about when you beat it).

No More Heroes is far from perfect but the same could be said for just about everything else I’ve played. Anybody who claims that a game has achieved absolute perfection is most likely talking about Halo 3 and needs to seriously consider pulling their head out of their ass. If you’re one of the many Wii owners like me who got the console expecting a new way to play the games you grew up with these past few gaming generations, then you owe it to yourself to get No More Heroes as not only a reminder of why this is your console of choice, but also as to why you like games in the first place: fun.

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There is a movie coming out next month called Wanted that is based on a popular comic book miniseries by Mark Millar. After seeing the initial trailer, I wasn’t all that impressed. Then I saw the Russian trailer.

I just went from not interested to buying tickets in advance on Fandango. Well, not really. But I do plan on seeing this opening day. Now on to BITE-SIZED STORY TIME!

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…Then what the FRAK HAVE I BEEN EATING!?

36.    Todd scarfed down his breakfast as if he hadn’t eaten in days. We partied so hard last night, I was surprised he could stomach anything. “Damn,” he said. “This Raisin Bran is loaded.” I paused. Did he just say Raisin Bran? “Dude,” I said. “Those are just regular Bran Flakes.”

It’s hard for me to believe that there are some Smash Bros. fans out there who actually thought that the game’s singleplayer mode would have some kind of meaningful story/excuse for all of the characters to get together. It’s a frakin’ fighting game. What were they expecting? Marvel Secret Wars?

37.    Link and Marth faced each other with their blades drawn and ready. It was Marth who finally broke the silence. “Let’s go, Fairy boy” he said. “Why don’t you come over here and say that, Mister Tiara?” Link asked. “Maybe I will, Peter Pan!” “Well then bring it, Prince Valiant!”

Friends don’t let friends drink and play D&D.

38.    ”Infidel!” he shouted. “What did I tell you the punishment would be for such insolence?” Just as he was about to smite his foe, Justin walked into the room… and he wasn’t happy. “God Damnit, Gary,” he said. “Get off of my table and put your fucking pants back on!”

Another character from my fantasy series. It’s not mentioned in the following two stories but he wears a blind fold to hide his eyes…

39.    Marek could feel the assassin sneaking up on him as he meditated. Slowly, he began to realize that his blindness had somehow made him more aware of his surroundings. The assassin drew closer but he remained calm and focused. It was now time to test his skill with the sword…

Teh semi-conclusion!

40.    The assassin drew his dagger as he closed in. I can hear his steps, Marek thought. Finally, the assassin striked. In a single fluid motion, Marek unsheathed his blade and disarmed his opponent. The assassin stood shocked and defenseless. “Leave now,” Marek said, “and I’ll pretend you were never here.”

Inspired by a painting Nolan showed me at one point and the ramblings of my 13 year old brother.

41.    Daniel collapsed to catch his breath while Tommy loaded a clip into the gun they found. As the sun set, he used it to target practice on the zombies surrounding the van. “Are we going to die out here?” Daniel asked. “Dude,” Tommy said between shots. “Shut the fuck up.”

The continuing adventures of Gary: The Drunken Sorcerer!

42.    ”You are in a dark carvern,” he started. “There are stalactites all around and the only sound is of dripping water in the distance. Ahead of you is nothing but darkness and…” he trailed off as he squinted. “Gary!” he shouted. “Did you get fucking cheeto dust on my notes?”

Unfortunately, D&D isn’t the only thing he has a reputation of ruining.

43.    Justin was headed for the finish line. Finally, he was about to beat Gary at a game of Mario Kart. Suddenly his kart spun out of control and he crashed into a hill as his fellow racers sped by. “God Damnit, Gary!” he shouted. “Fuck you and your blue shells!”

I decided it was time to return to Jacob: The Vampire Gunslinger/Bounty Hunter. Didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted it to but I’m getting better.

44.    My guns were out of ammo and the bloodlust had taken over. My vision turned red and the scent of their blood became intoxicating. I tossed aside my pistols as pure animal instinct took over and I attacked the nearest assailant. I tore into his neck and drank his blood.

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Until tomorrow’s first ever Top Ten Tuesday, this is Abadox50: Defender of Boobs, signing off…

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Yes, I know. This week’s F-Bomb isn’t up yet. It’ll be up sometime tomorrow.

For those of you wondering, I’m currently working a part-time job in the evenings so I can save up for XBox 360. Yes, I know I’m late to the party but with Soul Calibur IV coming out in late July, I no longer have any excuses not to get one.

Also, coming this week, I have a new series of themed posts planned: Top Ten Tuesday. On Tuesdays, I’ll be putting up my own personal top ten lists. They’ll range from favorite games, favorite bands, favorite movies, favorite porn stars, etc.

Now that I’m home from work and exhausted as all frak, it’s time to go kill something. I’ll see you guys later.

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