I had what I thought was a decent idea at the time for a story but it didn’t come out very well. It needs work and it’s not exactly in a readable state at the moment. I will have it finished (and to my satisfaction) by Monday. I still have the No More Heroes review planned for tomorrow and I’m almost finished with that.
In the meantime, HAVE KITTENS!
When it comes to Team Fortress 2, I’ll admit that one of my favorite classes, the Pyro, isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. He’s a bit underpowered but the trick to using him is to ambush your enemies and go in for the occasional kamikaze run.
Tomorrow (Thursday), Valve is releasing an achievement pack for the Pyro in the latest update for the game and you can unlock additional gear for him in the game. The new gear includes a Flare Gun which is best for long distance attacks and acts as a replacement for the shotgun. That’s pretty awesome but the update that caught my attention was the Pyro’s ability to fire a blast of compressed air from his Flame Thrower to deflect enemy projectiles such as grenades, rockets and sticky bombs. Sweet.
The only downside to this is that, when the update is released tomorrow, everybody and their grandmother is going to play as Pyro. Of course, I’ll be one of them but I can sympathize with the complaint. When the Medic pack was released, it resulted in what many have come to refer to as The Night of a Million Medics.
The same is expected to happen with the Pyro pack and, because the Pyro is one of my favorite classes, I have written a story in his honor. I’ve also included the follow up to the Hayato VS Arashi story as a bonus.
Enjoy!
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67 — 71.
The two warriors were well matched. Hayato and Arashi stood facing eachother, blades at the ready. Blood dripped onto the stone street from the cut on Hayato’s arm. He barely noticed it. Arashi had lost one of her swords in the battle and was now less confident than before. Still, she was determined to end this once and for all.
“Get out of my way, Demon Hunter” she said. “Unless you want to end up like Reiko.” Hayato ignored her pathetic attempt at trying to provoke him.
“You think that’s why I’m here?” he asked. “I know what you’re after. I have seen what has become of those who seek the soul sword.”
“I don’t give a damn about the others” she shouted. “Soul Edge is mine!”
With that, she lunged at her opponent. Their blades clashed and sparks flew with each strike. All around them, the cherry blossoms fell to the ground in the light of the moon as the duel continued. Suddenly, Hayato sensed a surge of Dark Energy coming from her blade.
The sword is possessed, he realized. The energy from her blade caused his sword to shatter and Hayato found himself defensless. Arashi smiled devilishly. She wanted to savor this victory.
“Farewell, Demon Hunter,” she said. But before she could deliver the final blow, there was a sudden flash of light and she became surrounded by smoke. When the haze cleared and her vision returned, she was shocked to find Hayato rushing at her with lightning speed, wielding her twin sword.
72 — 76.
You’re no good, they said. You’re extremely underpowered, they said. He had been hearing this since the beginning. But soon, all doubt would melt to ruin. There was a flame burning within his soul; a flame of hope that, one day, he would incinerate the competition. Like a Phoenix, he would rise from the ashes and all would be cleansed in the flames of chaos. Things were about to get pretty hot in here… and it wouldn’t be just him. There was a lot of talk among his team about his usefulness (or rather, the lack there of) but he didn’t care. For all he heard in his mind was the screaming of burn victims in the field of battle. Fire is a wonderful thing, the thought. Left unchecked, a fire can consume an entire forest within a matter of hours. Fire is also used to barbecue many delicious meats. In the hands of an arsonist, fire can lay waste to an entire monument. Lake Eerie once caught on fire from all of the crap floating around in it. He wishes he could have seen such a beautiful site. But now was no time for daydreaming. “Mission begins in thirty seconds!” The voice echoed throughout the base. He checked the fuel gauge on his Flame Thrower. The indicator read a full tank and he was pleased. He could see the enemy through the wired gate. They were scared… and they should be. For tonight is The Night Of The Pyro!
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Just one story for tonight. I’ll have two more up on Wednesday. I’ve been trying to come up with something a little more unique than what I usually do and I might have it ready in time for Wednesday’s update. Tuesday’s update is half finished so I should have it done after I get home from work tomorrow
In tonight’s story, Gary fucks up Justin’s day once again by pranking him with one of the most annoying internet fads since All Your Base: The Rick Roll.
For the record, Valve is releasing a “Meet the Sniper” video next in their line of TF2 videos tomorrow. Though none of them are quite as good as “Meet the Engineer.”
———
Justin had just gotten home from a long day at work and the first thing he did was pull a beer out of the fridge. Some gamers would think working at a game store would be the best job in the world, but he knew better. The people who walked in the store were usually clueless soccer moms trying to buy Grand Theft Auto for their kid and others were your average stupid customers. On the bright side, he did get a twenty percent discount on all items in the store (which he took advantage of as much as possible). Popping the cap off the bottle, he sat in front of his computer and typed in his password. It was time for some Team Fortress 2. As soon as he booted up Steam, a message window popped up. “Yo,” the message read. “You’ve gotta check this video out!” Justin’s fingers began the punish the keyboard. “Not right now, man, I just got home from work.” He closed the window and his cursor moved over the Team Fortress 2 icon when the window popped up again. “No, dude! Valve just released a video for the Sniper!” Justing paused. “Alright,” he said. “Send me the link. You better not be fucking with me.” The Youtube link came up and he eagerly clicked it. “Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you!” He couldn’t believe he had just fallen for it. “Fuck you, Gary.”
Did I say Wednesday? I meant Thursday.
… >.>
Anyway, without further ado, here are the two stories that I’ve been slaving over the past few days. The first one I’m not all that satisfied with as I basically try to cram an entire chapter’s worth of story into Two Hundred and Fifty words. The second story, however, I’m quite proud of.
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I’m a sucker for romance. So sue me. 
52 — 56.
Arkim stood with his back to her. On the east balcony of the tower, one could see the lake of Rothemdan in all it’s splendor. He tried to take in the scenery but Arissa had questions which he could not avoid… He couldn’t face her. Not after she had found out. Finally, she spoke. “Why didn’t you tell me?” she asked. He let out a sigh before answering. “That was a long time ago.” He stopped to think before he continued. “I am what I am. Nothing can change that.” “That isn’t what I meant,” she said. “I don’t care about your heritage. But what of the Order of Elchia?” Arkim flinched at this. The name of the Order alone brought back painful memories. He could still hear their screams even after all these years. “Did you murder all of those innocent-” “That wasn’t me!” he shouted. Arkim turned to her with tears in his eyes. It was time for the truth… “I tried to help those people. I turned against the Order and I caused it’s fall. I didn’t tell you because I lo-” Her eyes widened with shock and Arkim realized too late that he had said too much. He headed for the door. As he walked past her, she grabbed his arm and their eyes met. In that instant, it was as if the rest of the world faded away. The war, the Order, all had dissapeared and all that remained were two candles in the darkness…
This particular story revolves around two characters that I created in Soul Calibur III. I hope to recreate both of these characters in the upcoming Soul Calibur IV.
57 — 61.
Hayato hid among the shadows watching the cherry blossom pedals fall to the ground as he waited for his prey. The light of the full moon was all the light that he needed to see the world around him. It was then that she appeared. Slowly, Arashi walked down the stone cobble street; her twin katanas already unsheathed as she headed for the bridge where she was to meet her adversary. Her attire was somewhat puzzling. Aside from the iron guards on her arms and legs, the only clothing she wore was that of a red robe which, in addition to being far too short, did little to prevent her large breasts from almost spilling out the crimson cloth. She stopped at the foot of the bridge and he sensed her gaze in his direction. Hayato stepped from the shadows into her view, gripping the hilt of his Tanto blade. A sly grin spread across Arashi’s face. “You must be him,” she said. Hayato studied her for a moment before replying. “I would have thought that a warrior of your reputation would have come better dressed.” She laughed at this. “You’d be surprised how many I’ve killed this way,” she said. “Will you disappoint me like all those that have come before you?” Hayato drew his blade as he raised his eyebrow in suspicion. She’s either incredibly skilled, he thought, or incredibly foolish. It would take more than her voluptuous figure to distract a Ninja of the Demon Hunter Clan.
———
Until tomorrow’s F-Bomb (which WILL be on time, I promise).
Sorry, but I think I’m suffering from writer’s block. I haven’t had very many ideas lately and every time I open Word, my mind goes blank. It’s frustrating.
I promise that you’ll get your fix though. I’ll think of something and to compensate for the late update, I’ll post two separate stories of 250 words each (10 bite-sized stories, technically). And yes, there will still be this week’s Top Ten Tuesday on time.
Something I have been working on is a review of God of War: Chains of Olympus for the PSP. Surprisingly, the game lives up to it’s console brothers. God of War III for the PS3 is also advertised on the back of the games instruction manual. There isn’t much info regarding the game other than it’s scheduled for release in late 2009 (hopefully the PS3 will be reasonably priced by then), but I did find this awesome fan trailer on Youtube though.
Tomorrow, I’ll discuss the Top Ten worst games I’ve ever played. Just to give you hint, one of them is based on a Steven Spielberg film and was released for the Atari 2600 (gee, I wonder what that could be).
It is now Monday, June 2nd and the new episode of Battlestar still isn’t up on Sci-Fi’s website. This is bullshit. You can’t fucking leave me hanging with an ending like the one in “Guess What’s Coming to Dinner,” and then not post the follow up which aired Friday. I’ve tried searching to see if it’s up elsewhere but the only place I’ve found it available is some Asian site that takes for-fucking-ever to load. Guess I won’t get to find out if Colonel Tigh knocked up Number Six or not… damn it.
But anyway…
This week’s Bite-Sized Story Time is actually a part of a single story arc so enjoy.
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Yes, it’s the continuing adventures of Jacob: The vampire bounty hunter/cock blocker.
45. Her hair fell over her pale skin as she crossed her arms, trying to hide her beauty from him. She shuddered at his touch and he began to carress her body. Not tonight, I thought. As he reached for her neck, I stepped into the open with my pistol drawn.
Apparently, this woman smells like bacon.
46. Gently, his lips touched her neck. With each kiss she became more relaxed and she began to moan in ecstasy. “You smell delicious,” he whispered. Her arms fell to her side and her head leaned back, eyes closed in anticipation. I must savor this as long as possible, he thought.
TROJAN MAAAAN!!! Oh, wait…
47. It wasn’t until he felt my pistol against the back of his neck that he realized another vampire was present… and reading his thoughts. He was given the gift only two days before so his senses hadn’t fully developed. “I was wondering when you would show up,” he said bitterly.
Nobody likes to wake up with a gun in their face. Just ask Henry, from “Goodfellas.”
48. “Aren’t you going to kill me?” he asked. I removed my glasses and stuck them in my pocket. “I’m hoping it won’t come to that,” I said. “My contractor wants you alive.” The girl was coming out of her trance and she let out a scream when she saw me.
Just be glad he didn’t shoot you in the crotch.
49. Hoping to catch me off guard, he ducked before I could pull the trigger and tried to take a swipe at me. A sound like thunder filled the room and he hit the floor. “Silver bullet,” I said over his screams of pain. “That means it’s gonna hurt for awhile.”
Jacob doesn’t kill hookers, which is why he doesn’t play GTA.
50. As he clutched his kneecap weeping in agony, I heard the girl sobbing in the corner. “Get dressed and get out of here.” Slowly she stood. “Now,” I shouted “Before I get thirsty!” Upon hearing that, she grabbed her dress and ran for the door. I turned back to Julius.
NO MORE KNEECAPS FOR YOU!
51. “Y’know,” I said. “All I had to do to find you was look at today’s headlines. ‘Vampiric Killer strikes again, Four dead.’ ” One day, he thought. I’m going to kill you and-” I took out his other knee. I didn’t think it was possible for him to scream any louder.
———
I should have tomorrow’s Top Ten Tuesday up fairly early compared to my usual posting schedule so be on the look out for that about late afternoon. In the meantime, here’s some Vader action.
There is a movie coming out next month called Wanted that is based on a popular comic book miniseries by Mark Millar. After seeing the initial trailer, I wasn’t all that impressed. Then I saw the Russian trailer.
I just went from not interested to buying tickets in advance on Fandango. Well, not really. But I do plan on seeing this opening day. Now on to BITE-SIZED STORY TIME!
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…Then what the FRAK HAVE I BEEN EATING!?
36.   Todd scarfed down his breakfast as if he hadn’t eaten in days. We partied so hard last night, I was surprised he could stomach anything. “Damn,” he said. “This Raisin Bran is loaded.” I paused. Did he just say Raisin Bran? “Dude,” I said. “Those are just regular Bran Flakes.”
It’s hard for me to believe that there are some Smash Bros. fans out there who actually thought that the game’s singleplayer mode would have some kind of meaningful story/excuse for all of the characters to get together. It’s a frakin’ fighting game. What were they expecting? Marvel Secret Wars?
37.   Link and Marth faced each other with their blades drawn and ready. It was Marth who finally broke the silence. “Let’s go, Fairy boy” he said. “Why don’t you come over here and say that, Mister Tiara?” Link asked. “Maybe I will, Peter Pan!” “Well then bring it, Prince Valiant!”
Friends don’t let friends drink and play D&D.
38.   ”Infidel!” he shouted. “What did I tell you the punishment would be for such insolence?” Just as he was about to smite his foe, Justin walked into the room… and he wasn’t happy. “God Damnit, Gary,” he said. “Get off of my table and put your fucking pants back on!”
Another character from my fantasy series. It’s not mentioned in the following two stories but he wears a blind fold to hide his eyes…
39.   Marek could feel the assassin sneaking up on him as he meditated. Slowly, he began to realize that his blindness had somehow made him more aware of his surroundings. The assassin drew closer but he remained calm and focused. It was now time to test his skill with the sword…
Teh semi-conclusion!
40.   The assassin drew his dagger as he closed in. I can hear his steps, Marek thought. Finally, the assassin striked. In a single fluid motion, Marek unsheathed his blade and disarmed his opponent. The assassin stood shocked and defenseless. “Leave now,” Marek said, “and I’ll pretend you were never here.”
Inspired by a painting Nolan showed me at one point and the ramblings of my 13 year old brother.
41.   Daniel collapsed to catch his breath while Tommy loaded a clip into the gun they found. As the sun set, he used it to target practice on the zombies surrounding the van. “Are we going to die out here?” Daniel asked. “Dude,” Tommy said between shots. “Shut the fuck up.”
The continuing adventures of Gary: The Drunken Sorcerer!
42.   ”You are in a dark carvern,” he started. “There are stalactites all around and the only sound is of dripping water in the distance. Ahead of you is nothing but darkness and…” he trailed off as he squinted. “Gary!” he shouted. “Did you get fucking cheeto dust on my notes?”
Unfortunately, D&D isn’t the only thing he has a reputation of ruining.
43.   Justin was headed for the finish line. Finally, he was about to beat Gary at a game of Mario Kart. Suddenly his kart spun out of control and he crashed into a hill as his fellow racers sped by. “God Damnit, Gary!” he shouted. “Fuck you and your blue shells!”
I decided it was time to return to Jacob: The Vampire Gunslinger/Bounty Hunter. Didn’t quite turn out the way I wanted it to but I’m getting better.
44.   My guns were out of ammo and the bloodlust had taken over. My vision turned red and the scent of their blood became intoxicating. I tossed aside my pistols as pure animal instinct took over and I attacked the nearest assailant. I tore into his neck and drank his blood.
———
Until tomorrow’s first ever Top Ten Tuesday, this is Abadox50: Defender of Boobs, signing off…
Ah, Castlevania… the name alone is the source of many childhood memories. Being a long time gamer born of the 80’s generation (and I have the Genesis and Billy Idol playlists to prove it) I, too, aided Simon Belmont in his quest to destroy the evil Count Dracula in the golden NES days. The first CV game I was introduced to was Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest. Not exactly the best game to start with but this eventually led to the discovery of the original Castlevania as well as Castlevania III.
The overall concept of the original game is fairly simple but, like all long-standing franchises has managed to evolve into something more substantial over the years. You are a member of the Belmont clan, an ancient bloodline of vampire hunters chosen to fight Count Dracula (who is resurrected every one hundred years all the fraking time) with your holy, enchanted whip the “Vampire Killer.” It all started as a basic homage to old, classic, black & white horror films with end level bosses like Frankenstein and The Mummy but eventually became something of an alternate universe to Bram Stoker’s novel (supposedly the Morris’ are distant relatives of the Belmonts).
The 2D games have been divided into two different categories in terms of gameplay. It started out as a standard action platformer (with a bitch-hard difficulty) but most of the recent games are modeled after Symphony Of The Night, which CV fans refer to as the “Metroidvania” style (Metroid featured a style of play that allowed players the freedom to explore and the recent CV titles follow this concept). Symphony Of The Night is often hailed as the best of the latter, but its prequel (and supposedly the best of the classic Castlevania’s) hasn’t been released in the States until recently: Dracula X: Rondo Of Blood.
Sure, anybody familiar with the terms Internet, Google and Emulators can easily play it at this very moment or have been for years. Castlevania: The Dracula X Chronicles for the PSP, however, is the first official State-side release. Dracula X Chronicles is essentially a 2.5D remake of Rondo Of Blood with the original PC Engine version thrown in as an unlockable as well as a port of Symphony Of The Night.
The 3D remake is pretty much what you would expect: a visually enhanced version of the original game. The backgrounds are much better compared to some of the stages in the PC Engine version but some of the character models look pretty jagged for something that’s supposed to the portable equivalent of a PS2. Some feel the original is easier than the 3D remake (and vice-versa) but I can’t tell the difference myself. Of the two, I have a slight preference for the remake mainly because you can customize the soundtrack. As for the original Rondo Of Blood, it was definitely worth the wait. Personally, I wouldn’t say it’s the best of the old-school CV games (that title still belongs to Super Castlevania IV) but its become a new favorite.
The port of Symphony Of The Night is nothing short of awesome. There are some slight differences between the PSP and PSOne versions but it’s an overall improved experience. The dialog has been re-written and re-recorded and you can switch the language from English to Japanese. If you’re a CV fan and you own a PSP, this a must own. Three games for $30 is a pretty good deal.
And now it’s on to this week’s edition of Bite-Sized Story Time.
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Aw, man… this is almost as bad as that one episode of BSG where Starbuck dies… OMG SPOILERZ!!!
27. Not like this, she thought. Please, I can’t lose him like this. Arissa’s hold was tight but she could feel Arkim’s strength draining. He stared into her eyes, one last time… “I love you,” he whispered. He released her and she watched, helplessly, as he fell to his death. “Arkim!”
Don’t drink & drive. Also, revenge is a dish best served cold.
…
KAAAAAAAAHN!!!
28. I held him by the hair in front of the tombstone and pressed the pistol against his neck. “I said look at it!” He opened his eyes and began to read the engraving. “That’s my wife,” I said. “I want you to remember that name everytime you see your wife.”
DRADIS Contact: Crappy BSG fanfic just jumped in. I thing I was suffering from writer’s block when I wrote this. Alcohol’s making things a bit hazy right now…
29. “Just half an hour left, Jumper,” I said. “Roger that, Cap,” she replied. I scanned the asteroid field before us. Patrolling the Armistice Line seemed completely pointless. Life in the Twelve Colonies hadn’t been interesting in over fourty years… but I couldn’t shake the feeling something was coming. “DRADIS contact!”
Hmmm… yes siree. You’ve definitely got mutant zombies in your basement. I’m gonna have to call Greg down here for some special supplies. Y’know, a Bible, Holy Water, the usual…
30. The bloody mass lay curled on the floor. Whatever this thing was, at least it had stopped moving. My girlfriend finally answered the phone. “Hello?” Damnit, I have to focus. “Uh… Yeah. Vanessa, it’s me,” I said. “Listen, I’m gonna be a little late tonight.” She paused. “Why, what’s wrong?”
Inspired by a random forum thread I was reading.
31. The cyborg riding a unicorn headed toward the horizon. After he dissapeared, a large mushroom began to sprout behind me. I turned around to see the most awesome Heavy Metal band ever perform on top of its massive, color changing cap. “Wow,” I exclaimed. “This is some really good shit!”
The next four stories act as a prequel to the “mutant zombie” story. It’s an idea for a horror story that’s one part Bag Of Bones, one part Eternal Darkness and two parts Silent Hill.
32. The door to my study was open. Someone else was here. Slowly, I pushed the door open and I peered inside. Only the light of the full moon shined through the window. I took one step in and noticed that my desk drawer was open… where I kept my gun.
Oh snap! Not the gun!
33. I tried not to panic. My eyes scanned the room. There was no one else in here. But they could still be somewhere in the house, I thought. I stepped out into the long hallway and my heart nearly stopped. A dark figure was at the other end watching me.
This shiz be freaky, d00d.
34. Paralyzed with fear, I stood frozen. Slowly it began to move towards me. As it came closer I noticed that it’s lower half was missing… it was hovering towards me. Suddenly, I heard dozens of voices whispering all around me in a dark and twisted language. It drove me insane.
OH TEH NOES!
35. I tried to back away but lost my footing and fell to the floor. I looked up only to see the dark figure hovering over me. The very sight terrified me. No face, no features, just the blackness of shadows and two piercing red eyes… and then I woke up.
See You Next Mission!
“The most dangerous place in the world is between a mother and her children.”
This quote is the caption of a drawing by Eliza Gauger in response to the September 11th attacks. The political cartoon depicts a young, maternal Statue of Liberty, cradling a baby wrapped in an American flag in one hand and a revolver in the other. The political aspect of the cartoon is something I’d like to avoid. Instead, I’d like to focus on the nature of the quote in the cartoon.
There is a story that I have planned that revolves around this theme. A young mother, after giving birth to twins, is forced to leave her village and take her children to safety. She travels across the land with her children and her husband as the agents of the enemy move to stop her. Her children are special… One day, they will bring about great change and it is prophesy that her children will lead the “Last child of the Paladins” to their ultimate fate.
During her journey, she faces countless hardships in an effort to seek the only one who can protect them. Her friends die trying to protect her… as does her husband. Yet she moves on, protecting her children at all cost. She vows to never let anything happen to them and would even die for them if necessary. There is no bond stronger than that between a mother and her children…
The story is a part of a much wider universe that perhaps you’ve seen in past volumes of Bite-Sized Story Time. Included in this week’s are the “Reader’s Digest” version of two key scenes from the story (there’s only so much you can do with 50 words).
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The most dangerous place in the world is between a mother and her children. This guy figures it out the hard way…
18. Its eyes were wide with shock and pain. Tirana twisted the blade in the beast’s chest and it cried out in agony. The birds in the trees fled into the night sky startled by the outburst. Victorious, Tirana looked the creature deep into it’s eyes. “Stay away from my children!”
By staying with her children, she risks her own life as told by prophesy… but that doesn’t matter to her. She loves them. She can’t bare to leave them.
19. “No.” Master Thorin did not forsee this. “What?” She looked up from the twins cradled in her arms. “I understand that my fate is seperate from theirs, but I will not leave them. These are my children, Master Thorin.” He knew he couldn’t deny her wish. “Then you may stay.”
Years later, one of the twins approaches the other about their mother’s sacrifice for them. Her death has scarred them both but the male suffers the most.
20. “Do you ever think about what happened to mother?” She looked as if she had expected that question. “Not as often as you do.” Oddly, her response didn’t surprise me. “Tyrin,” she said. “Tell me what’s on your mind.” She stood and headed towards her study. “Come, smoke with me.”
Not long after, the time for their own journey has come…
21. “What do you think?” I asked. Tyris’ eyes studied the cliff intently. “It’s a long way up,” she said. “But I think we can manage it.” I was afraid she would say that… She turned to me with a slight grin on her face. “Still afraid of heights?” she teased.
They will face many hardships in their quest, much like their mother. But in the end, they shall prevail.
22. Tyris couldn’t take it anymore. She could feel the pain they were inflicting on her brother. She struggled with her restraints. “What are you doing to him?” she cried. “You have no right!” The dark figure turned to face her, it’s eyes glowing in the shadows. “We’ll see about that.”
Meanwhile, in another part of the world in which they live…
23. Tearran readied her sword and shield as the Drakon forces moved in. Her fellow knights stood behind her, ready to attack on her mark. They were the only thing standing between the enemy and the kingdom of Rothemdan. “Now!” she shouted. Her knights ducked as the archers raised their bows.
So… is she making love to him or choking him to death?
24. She felt no regret. Arissa had wanted this for so long. They’re experiences brought them together and formed a bond that would take an army to destroy. If it was a mistake, she could live with it. She tightened her arms around him and wished this moment would last forever…
Up in the sky… it’s a bird, a plane, it’s… CRAZY CHICK!
25. “I know it’s hard Eric,” she said calmly. “But I want you to know that I truly love you.” The rope had rubbed my wrists raw… Still, I could feel it loosening. She held the knife to my neck, her face mere inches from mine. “I love you so much…”
Yes, it’s another Team Fortress 2 inspired story. This time from the perspective of TEH SNIPER!!!
26. There he was, the cocky bastard. That big ass gun of his had managed to take out half of the team. It was time to change the tide… “Jason,” I said. “Hand me the rifle.” He hesitated. “Only got one shot left.” he replied. “One shot is all I need.”
Thank you, you’ve been a terrific audience… for me to poop on!
So I got to see Iron Man this past Saturday. If you’re a comic buff and you haven’t already seen it, there is something very wrong with you. You need to stop whatever is you’re doing and go see it now! If you have to take care of the kids, either take them with you or call a sitter. If you have to go to a funeral, postpone it. They’re already dead, it’s not like they’re going anywhere…
I kid, of course.
Iron Man is easily one of the best super-hero films ever and, in my opinion, dethrones Spider-Man 2 as the best yet. Iron Man was one of my favorite Marvel heroes as a kid, though, so I may be a little biased. Still, it stands as a very well done film on its own and it’s hard to find fault with it. BE WARNED: This be a review so there be minor spoilers ahead, yar. And by minor, I mean stuff you comic geeks already know about Iron Man’s origins… yar!
The film opens with billionaire arms dealer and playboy, Tony Stark, under attack by terrorists after demonstrating his latest creation to U.S. military buyers in the middle-east. Tony is wounded by shrapnel (which ends up near his heart) and taken to the terrorist hideout where a doctor and fellow prisoner, Yinsen, installs an electro-magnet in Stark’s chest to keep the shrapnel from going into his vital organs and killing him. Oh, and the magnet is powered by a car battery.
The leader of the terrorist group wants Stark alive so that the scientific genius can build him the weapon demonstrated to the U.S. military, the “Jericho” missile, to go with their already large stockpile of Stark Industries’ other splodey products. While being held prisoner, Stark uses his time and resources (along with the help of Yinsen) to build a high-tech suit of armor as his ticket out. Stark manages to escape but not before blowing up the terrorists cache of weapons (splode).
Changed by his experiences, Tony decides that the resources of Stark Industries should be used to help people as opposed to making them go splode. This doesn’t sit very well with his business partner, Obadiah Stane, but Tony could give two shits as he’s much more interested in refining his suit.
As I said earlier, it’s hard to find fault with this movie. Probably the best aspect of the movie is the cast. Robert Downey Jr. practically is Tony Stark, Gwyneth Paltrow nails it as Virginia “Pepper” Pots; his loyal assistant with no life outside of her job, and Terrence Howard is very likable as Jim “Gonna be War Machine in the Sequel” Rhodes; Tony’s friend and fighter pilot. While the action sequences are few and far between, the exposition and build up to each one makes it more than worth it. One of the best is when Stark, after being screwed over by Stane, finally decides to take his suit into action by going to the middle-east to kick some terrorist ass. It’s not just a great super-hero movie but also a nice feel-good action movie with it’s liberal, anti-corporate message in a time when it seems like the rest of the world hates us.
Stick through the credits if you want to see Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury. 
And now onto this week’s edition of Bite-Sized Story Time! But first I would like to wish a happy birthday to my friend Nolan. Happy Birthday and here’s hoping you get those birthday fajitas eventually, if not today.
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Ah, the “crazy chick” story. Nolan has suggested that I expand on the “crazy chick” story. And I plan to… eventually.
10. “Love can make you do crazy things… insane things.” I had to get out of there. God, Maria… what have you done? “Where are you going? Eric, stop!” I reached for the door but as she stood, a sudden fear gripped me. “Don’t you dare open that door!” she hissed.
One of my favorites. Nolan expanded on this story with my permission and I like what he’s done with it. I’ve decided to do a continuation of it. You can find both the setup and the aftermath here, courtesy of Senor Hobbs.
11. “Don’t make me do this,” I said. “Good to see you, too.” he replied. We drew our guns simaltenously and were now in a stand-off. It was just a matter of which one of us would shoot first. “You boys alright?” The voice came from the kitchen. “We’re fine, mom.”
This one’s cheesy, I know. But it’s supposed to be. There is lots of dark humor in the universe this story is set in. It’s also connected to three of the stories from last week.
12. “Fool,” he said. “Do you honestly think that your ancient ways will work against others with the Dark Gi-” I plugged a round into his servant’s head and watched him melt to ash. “Spare me the Anne Rice bull shit,” I said. “I’ll ask one more time: Where is he?”
I have no idea what they’re hiding from. It could be zombies, it could be Aliens. Nolan thinks its rabid squirrels. I like that idea.
13. Day Twenty Three: One of those bastards managed to make it inside again. I spent all fucking morning fixing that damn door, too. There are a number of things that need to be done around here and we’ve got enough food to skip ration hunting for at least a day.
Connected to the first story I wrote, this is the guy’s twin sister. She’s an awesome character and a lot more light-hearted and cheery than this story depicts her, but she’s pissed for a very valid reason as you can tell. I’m undecided as to whether or not I want her final name to be Tyris.
14. “Enough!” Her voice echoed like a clap of thunder and a cold breeze swept throughout the temple. The two men stood paralyzed with fear as the girl remained curled on the floor weeping in shame. Tyris stepped forward, ceremonial spear in hand. “How dare you assault a priestess!” she shouted.
Inspired by a true story that happened to a guy I once knew. He didn’t actually get physically violent but he did threaten his roommate with a bat. The save file in question, I think, was Final Fantasy VII.
15. That did it. He had crossed the line before, but this time he had gone too far. Well, it wouldn’t happen again… I kicked down his door and swung my bat right into his gut. I wasn’t done with him… “You’ve overwritten my save file for the last time, asshole!”
Connected to the story where the vampire guy gets shot in the face.
16. The Dark Creature emerged from the portal with a roar that sounded like the cry of a thousand lost souls. Its massive wings spread and its many arms reached toward the heavens. To a normal person, this may have seemed frightening. “You have got to be kidding me.” I said.
Dedicated to the Team Fortress 2 Pyro. May your flamethrower continue to torch many bitches.
17. “Well, everything checks out. You have the credentials and the experience,” he said. “So why do you want to join the team?” Saw that one coming… “I was born for this,” I replied. “What?” Damnit… I forgot I was still wearing my mask. “I said I was born for this!”
IT’S OVER!!!
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Shipping to me this week (as early birthday presents courtesy of teh mommeh) are No More Heroes and Okami. The Wii has been in need of some loving lately, outside of Brawl, and these games will make lovely additions to my collection. I’ll have reviews when I finish them. Also, I’ll almost done with my Prey article and that will go up later this week. Until then, may the Lords of Kobol watch over you. So say we all!